Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Dis-ordered

My mind around eating and around my body and around my value is disordered. Why?
Why do I think this way?
What is wrong with me?
I'm not looking for sympathy or to have someone try to convince me I'm valuable. I wouldn't believe you anyway. That kind of shit has to come from yourself.

I'm 90# overweight. I don't say that easily. I cringe when I see that number. The majority of people in my life have never seen me thin and that sincerely fucks with me. I feel I have to explain to them that I once was thin. You know, I used to be a valuable person.

Where do these pervasive thoughts come from? I remember being told I was young, thin and pretty and smart. The same person, my mom, called herself old, fat, ugly and stupid. First feeling that came up was I hated how she was abusing someone I love, herself.

But a deeper message rooted itself within me. If I ever gained weight, wasn't as pretty, wasn't as smart as I felt I should be or got older, I would have less value. And the first thing that came up was weight. It also seems to be the one that plagues me the most. in my head my weight has to do with my being or not being pretty. My being pretty is more important than whether or not I'm a good person. Well, hey. Doesn't being thin and pretty equate to being valuable?

As a young girl, like most, I was overwhelmed by my developing body. I didn't have time to admire older girls and their.. womanliness? I got my first bra at 9, and hips, too. The shame started. By 12 I was the height I am now, weighed about 110 and wore a 32D bra. I received a lot of unwanted and inappropriate attention. The only time in my life I looked older than I was. It solidified that I was there for other people's approval.

I also freaked out when my doctor told me (at 110#) that I needed to watch my weight. My brothers also teased me. The word "chubby" came up. I started to restrict my eating and over the next four or five or six years I was obsessed with my weight and was actively, increasingly, restricting my food.

Luckily I didn't have the internet. I didn't realize the food I was eating was calorie dense. Now I know more I'm grateful. Eating nothing but a tiny bag if Doritos and a can of "fruit juice" as my nutrition for the day was better than the same volume of lower calorie food. Never got gaunt. Plus with large breasts and frumpy clothes no one was the wiser. Around 15 I started eating more but exercised like mad. Got down to about 101-104 at 16 (and with 32Gs). I also convinced myself that the hungrier I felt the prettier I was.

Knowing what I know now I should have been around 125-130. I still struggle saying I was anorexic. Didn't you have to be a waif with no breasts and be like 75# to be anorexic?

Then I gained a little. Was actually healthier than ever. This was short lived. I met and dated a guy who sat on his ass all the time downing giant boxes of chicken nuggets and a large fry. I ate a quarter of what he did and gained. And he wasn't very kind to me. So between him and the weight gain I was convinced I was worthless.

Few years later we split. I lost some weight, got a new boyfriend and the weight creeped back up. He dumped me while pregnant. I lost weight while being pregnant, got fired, gained it back from being depressed.

Got married (he married me fat! Who does that?). Kept gaining. Lost weight when I decided to micromanage my diet for a while (I cried at a gathering because of my self imposed rule, I wasn't allowed to eat past 6). Stopped the diet and gained most of it back (still 15# lower today).

Today I was trying on clothes I got from a friend that passed away. The sight from the mirror was horrifying for me. Gravity plus existing fat equals things I can't even verbalize.

And I'm getting older. One day I'll be old. I don't learn as quickly as I once did. I am no longer young, thin, smart and pretty. I can't be valuable.

Where do I go? Diet and exercise, right? I have fear in me that I can't fully express. I don't know exactly what is holding me back but I know it has to do with fear. I'm terrified to even try.

So... Yeah.

2 comments:

Heather said...

Just....I hear you. Tacky to say "ditto" to someone's personal story, as if any of us can understand each other's perspectives compleyely, but a LOT of this rings so very true to me, before and today. I wrote something about aging yesterday that maybe I will share soon, inspired by this honesty.

Megan Paul said...

I've always said that nothing brings more joy and misery than food. It's an exhausting struggle between guilt and pleasure for every single thing that goes in the mouth. Nothing soothes like food and food also never judges you. It's hard to ditch a best friend.

I won't tell you that you're worth it and all that hoorah people say to make one feel better, because you've already stated you wouldn't believe it.

I just wanted you to know that I am empathetic to your struggle.

Megan