Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Depression.. Anxiety... visiting again.

.. worst company ever.

I am loud about my depression and anxiety not because I want attention or for people to feel sorry for me.  I do it because I know I'm the minority.. Minority in that I'm talking about it.  For every one like ME there are hundreds or thousands or whatever, of people who do NOT speak out.  I'm putting myself out there for every single person who struggles with these issues and can't say it out loud.  For every one who feels alone in this.  Like they're the only one.  There are times I just want to clam up and shut the world out to everything and not let anyone know of the stuff going on.  But then I remember the people who reached out to me with their own stories (more than a couple).  There are people who have told me that it was comforting and they knew they weren't alone.  So I'm here, making myself vulnerable to a shite-tonne of people (if I was going to say "shite" I *had* to say tonne).  It is terrifying, for the record.  I realize it will effect how people react to me in my life and not always in the best ways.

This is not a poor me thing.  Mental health issues are devious bastards who tell you lies.  It's like I have a physical chronic illness, but instead of aches and pains (although, you'd be surprised. It does come with a certain amount of physical ailments) it's just my head telling me how terrible I am.  It is not logic. I  don't even feel like it's ME.  But it's there.  And saying things like "grow up" or "focus on the positive" translate into terrible voices saying "You can't even be a grown up!  You are a failure at adulting!"  and "You are so ungrateful!  So many people have it worse and you're just feeling sorry for yourself."  There is something especially horrible about not being able to trust your own thoughts.  That's where I am.  I can't trust my thoughts or even my interactions with friends around me.  This compounds things during a deppresive/anxity ridden moment.  It's what makes it hard to reach out.

The factual stuff......
So.. I was doing so much better.. why, now, am I back sliding?  Well, it likely has to do with the fact my hair started falling out.  I looked up a couple of my supplements and two could have been the culprit.  One was the lithium.  I had just lowered the dosage because I was getting a nice side effect of apathy.  It was rocky.  I felt I was just finding new balance.  A little more emotional.  A little more sensitive.  Not a bad thing.  Just had to get used to it... then the hair falling out thing.  I admit.. totally vanity.. but I also thought maybe it meant I was getting too much.  So I didn't take it for a few days.  Yeah.  Here I am.  I'm two days in to taking it again.  I also had stopped the st johns wort and lemon balm tea.  Dude, you can only drink so much tea.  Oh, no worries. Also, two days ago I started taking both of them in tincture form.  That is one of those that will take time to build up in my system.

I'm spent.  I need rest.