Tuesday, December 09, 2014

What's the Haps, Paps?

It's been a while.  I've been spending the majority of my time as Depression and Anxiety's whore.  I got out to see Jen as planned.  We stayed the night out in Edmonds.  It was good spending time with my friend.  It was the last time I got to see her.  Jen passed away in August.  So much of it still feels unreal.

I wish I could relive my time off because I'd spend it actually being still instead of filling my time with *stuff* to keep my mind off of my feelings.  I want a redo.

I'm struggling a lot.  Brett has the potential to work back up in Barrow, AK. I would be staying in Tacoma.  We would visit one another.  It would mean him getting certified.  Extra funny because he doesn't care about it like he used to.  It would mean us paying off bills.  It would mean we could save up for a down payment for a house/property.  It would mean being even more alone than I have been.  I'd be a fool to say he shouldn't do it.

I also don't get to parent the only living child I have.  I get him 4 days a month on average.  This breaks my heart in ways I can't even fully express.  What's more I can't deny that his dad is doing a good job.  He keeps on him about his school work.  He feeds him good food.  Marsh has what he needs and many things he wants.  The school district is great.  He finally has a school that keeps him challenged.  How can I complain?  It's probably better that he doesn't spend the bulk of his time with a mother who is barely functional.

Oh, and the 20# extra I gained during the last year means I have apnea issues.  This is not conducive to actually losing the weight as I feel like I never sleep.  Everything is surreal and dream like.  Fatigue makes my anxiety worse. 

My counselor says she's pretty sure it's to the point of chemical depression.  Meaning it's not just a matter of "trying to be grateful" or "looking on the bright side".  It's my body, it's my brain.  Drugs do not do well with my body.  I need to find a good naturopath to help me navigate this.  Things have to change.

On a good note.. I have amazing friends.  This is not just a footnote.  This is amazing.  It's good to know people care.  My boys love me.  This is fantastic!  Oh, and I got a dog!  She's pretty spectacular.  I will do a post about her at some point.  She's a keeper.  Now she and Meems need to learn how to get along.