Monday, April 28, 2014

Looking for the Pretty Parts

So much is going on inside me now.  I am, by far, not my greatest fan.  I feel like I've been crawling through the mud for the last three months.

Brett and I had probably the strongest pregnancy I've had to date.  Strong symptoms.  Great early numbers.  Then the symptoms started waning.  I started spotting.  I went to some doctor's office for an ultrasound just to find out that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Funny how as soon as I walked out of the office it was like I was given the "go ahead" to accept what had been holding on by sheer will.  I bled.  Not spotting.  Bled. I passed my baby and an impressive placenta.

It sucked.  We talked about wanting to try (yet) again.  Sure, let's take one more stab at it.  We had done a round of clomid and I got knocked up first try!  The progesterone helped my body do what it was supposed to (yay placenta!).  That's gotta count for something, right?

Talked to my OB/GYN to talk about trying again.  She more or less says she's reached the end of her bag of tricks for me.  She doesn't know how to keep me pregnant.  She doesn't think it's healthy to have so many miscarriages.  She's washing her hands of me.  Well, we of course had to do the obligitory HCG test to ensure there wasn't placenta left, getting nutrition.  I wasn't.  It's official.  Back on my own.

Now do I have to worry about getting pregnant again without the medical support?  Do I rush in to a specialist the moment I get a positive if I do?  Historically it has been challenging, but not hard, for me to get pregnant.  So, do we avoid?  I'll tell you what.  Not like it's going to happen any time soon as my hormones are still all fuckered up and I've been spotting and off for a long time now.  Sort of a mood killer.

So... here I am.

Meanwhile I feel like the biggest fucking piece of crap.  I feel like I'm seeping poison into everything I touch.  I don't think normal people should be around me right now.  I think people should not waste their time on me as I am a gi-fucking-normous energy suck.