Tuesday, December 09, 2014

What's the Haps, Paps?

It's been a while.  I've been spending the majority of my time as Depression and Anxiety's whore.  I got out to see Jen as planned.  We stayed the night out in Edmonds.  It was good spending time with my friend.  It was the last time I got to see her.  Jen passed away in August.  So much of it still feels unreal.

I wish I could relive my time off because I'd spend it actually being still instead of filling my time with *stuff* to keep my mind off of my feelings.  I want a redo.

I'm struggling a lot.  Brett has the potential to work back up in Barrow, AK. I would be staying in Tacoma.  We would visit one another.  It would mean him getting certified.  Extra funny because he doesn't care about it like he used to.  It would mean us paying off bills.  It would mean we could save up for a down payment for a house/property.  It would mean being even more alone than I have been.  I'd be a fool to say he shouldn't do it.

I also don't get to parent the only living child I have.  I get him 4 days a month on average.  This breaks my heart in ways I can't even fully express.  What's more I can't deny that his dad is doing a good job.  He keeps on him about his school work.  He feeds him good food.  Marsh has what he needs and many things he wants.  The school district is great.  He finally has a school that keeps him challenged.  How can I complain?  It's probably better that he doesn't spend the bulk of his time with a mother who is barely functional.

Oh, and the 20# extra I gained during the last year means I have apnea issues.  This is not conducive to actually losing the weight as I feel like I never sleep.  Everything is surreal and dream like.  Fatigue makes my anxiety worse. 

My counselor says she's pretty sure it's to the point of chemical depression.  Meaning it's not just a matter of "trying to be grateful" or "looking on the bright side".  It's my body, it's my brain.  Drugs do not do well with my body.  I need to find a good naturopath to help me navigate this.  Things have to change.

On a good note.. I have amazing friends.  This is not just a footnote.  This is amazing.  It's good to know people care.  My boys love me.  This is fantastic!  Oh, and I got a dog!  She's pretty spectacular.  I will do a post about her at some point.  She's a keeper.  Now she and Meems need to learn how to get along.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Getting outside of myself

I'm dragging ass this morning.  Today is going to be a busy one.  I'm about to shower and get ready for an overnight adventure.

As soon as I'm ready to go I'll be heading over to UW Medical Center to visit Cameron.  She did her round of chemo then she received her bone marrow transplant.  She ended up with graft rejection.  Then she found out the leukemia is back and as aggressive as ever.  She's back doing chemo and will have to do another bone marrow transplant.  This has been so hard on her and her family.  I'm so glad she has such an amazing little family to support her.  She is such a kind hearted friend.  This sucks.

After I visit with Cameron I'll be heading up to get Marshall.  Gotta love Friday traffic.  From there we'll head up to Jen's.

Jen's update is that her esophageal cancer is back and she keeps on getting the tiny tumors popping up in her brain.  They zap those whenever they come in and it seems to work.  But the stuff in her esophagus is a little more challenging.  She's received all the radiation there that she can.  She's about to start chemo again.  Her weight has dropped significantly.  BUT on a good note, we're going to have fun this weekend.  Marsh and I will stay over and then head over to Bastyr's Herb and Food Fair Saturday morning.  We both love herbal medicine.

As for me?  I started seeing my counselor again.  Well, one visit so far but now she's on vacation.  It's okay.  She gave me some good tools to get started on controlling my anxiety and we started some paperwork so that I don't have to worry about getting fired if I have a high anxiety day.  She also brow beat me in a very loving way to work on finding some closure.  I'm trying to put together some ideas for what would be adequate for a ritual.  Also, I need to find some good supplements to help change some brain chemistry for depression.

My body is still not back to normal.  I have *NO* idea what my cycle is doing.  Cycle day 57.  I had one day where I spotted a couple weeks ago and now nothing.  Plus I'm still broken out on my chin.  Fun.

Well, that's where I'm at.  I am trying to really revel in every minute I can.  Laying in bed with Brett.  Yummy food.  Petting Karma who purrs LOUDLY in my ear.  Getting things done.  Great friends.  Really, I am practicing gratitude wherever I can.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Because I'm weird..

.... After this most recent miscarriage I knit a baby sweater.  Yeah, totally knowing it wouldn't be for my own baby....

What the shite was I thinking?  Don't know what the fuck to do with it now :|

Breaking Down

Fighting off crazy...

Monday, April 28, 2014

Looking for the Pretty Parts

So much is going on inside me now.  I am, by far, not my greatest fan.  I feel like I've been crawling through the mud for the last three months.

Brett and I had probably the strongest pregnancy I've had to date.  Strong symptoms.  Great early numbers.  Then the symptoms started waning.  I started spotting.  I went to some doctor's office for an ultrasound just to find out that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Funny how as soon as I walked out of the office it was like I was given the "go ahead" to accept what had been holding on by sheer will.  I bled.  Not spotting.  Bled. I passed my baby and an impressive placenta.

It sucked.  We talked about wanting to try (yet) again.  Sure, let's take one more stab at it.  We had done a round of clomid and I got knocked up first try!  The progesterone helped my body do what it was supposed to (yay placenta!).  That's gotta count for something, right?

Talked to my OB/GYN to talk about trying again.  She more or less says she's reached the end of her bag of tricks for me.  She doesn't know how to keep me pregnant.  She doesn't think it's healthy to have so many miscarriages.  She's washing her hands of me.  Well, we of course had to do the obligitory HCG test to ensure there wasn't placenta left, getting nutrition.  I wasn't.  It's official.  Back on my own.

Now do I have to worry about getting pregnant again without the medical support?  Do I rush in to a specialist the moment I get a positive if I do?  Historically it has been challenging, but not hard, for me to get pregnant.  So, do we avoid?  I'll tell you what.  Not like it's going to happen any time soon as my hormones are still all fuckered up and I've been spotting and off for a long time now.  Sort of a mood killer.

So... here I am.

Meanwhile I feel like the biggest fucking piece of crap.  I feel like I'm seeping poison into everything I touch.  I don't think normal people should be around me right now.  I think people should not waste their time on me as I am a gi-fucking-normous energy suck.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Letting Go

It's so soon. I only found out this morning. I will only be pregnant for another few hours. Another day at the most. Another frail creature slipping in and out of my life.

Sometimes my loud voice annoys even me. I wish I was one of those who carries her worries, fears, heartbreak and even extreme happiness quietly. Not entirely sure why I have the need to lay out my heart out for all to see. I don't know why.

I'm holding my 8th baby's lifeless form within my womb. Soon it will be gone. My 2nd baby, the only one I've been able to hold, now a sweet young man, lays beside me looking up puppies on Petfinder.com. I'm very grateful for him in so many ways. I feel like I'm somehow less of a mother for being sad while he's on the sidelines.

Funny, once I acknowledged the loss it was like my body was given permission to let go. The bleeding is already getting heavier. I passed some tissue.

I just got off the phone with one of my midwives, Tinneca. I couldn't hardly talk.

Irrational things keep going through my head. Ways to temporarily escape.  They're fleeting, though.

Earlier I got out of the car and was feeling nauseous. My belly still felt heavy. My uterus is still larger, pushing my organs up high. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I still feel pregnant but the baby in my uterus isn't alive. But I have a harder time with the idea that soon it won't be there anymore. There's no way to hold on and my little creature will slip away. For now my body is a mausoleum. A shrine to all the hopes I am having to let go of.
I prayed the whole way in. Even while stepping up onto the table. My last desperate pleas to not show what I most feared.  "It's measuring 4 weeks behind." "Maybe the dates are off?" "I'm not seeing a heart beat." She tried to be kind. She tried to be non-committal.

I feel like I was kicked out of a club. The one where women get to grow big and feel kicks. Where people look forward to meeting their little one. Where I routinely hear "Congratulations!"  Where people give me hand-me-downs. Where people knit my little one beautiful things. Where I think about what toys I want my baby to have (wooden ones and natural rubber teethers). What theme (woodland creatures). How we want to school (unschool). First foods. Car seats. Clothes.

I keep saying weird things. I keep focusing on stupid shit. I have weird moments of absurd normalness followed by gut wrenching sobs.

I know what I have to look forward to and I'm not exactly thrilled about it. Sorry for the TMI but I don't want don't want the baby to fall into the toilet. It really freaks me out. My baby isn't waste or rubbish. And I just want some sort of proof that this was real. That it's not in my head and I really was growing a child within me.

And the empty spot reserved for my little one? It's still there. Do we try again? How long should we wait if we do try again? My body, with the supplemental progesterone, seemed to do great this time. Will this happen again? Does it have to do with what happened to my other pregnancies?

I do acknowledge the good things. I got pregnant and even a little further than before. Even if it stopped growing at 6 weeks that's a week further than I got before. That's good, right? 

Also, both of my boys are being insanely comforting. All while trying to process the loss of child and sibling. We have all shed tears. I'm so grateful we have each other.

I've learned a lot of other things, too. But I think I'm still processing those things.

My head hurts. I think I want to be done for now.

Monday, January 27, 2014


Breathe in to the count of four.

You're so close I can nearly touch you.
Your spirit has been sewn in my soul now for years. For lifetimes.

Hold your breath to the count of four.

I'm holding my breath for you, little one.
I'm dreaming of holding you close in my arms.

Breathe out to the count of four.

With my breath I release my fears.
I acknowledge how very different this feels. It's so much more.. tangible?

Hold your breath to the count of four.

I'm living in this moment.
My little family one more step towards whole.
One inch closer to universal promises fulfilled.

If worry remains, repeat the breaths.
Continue to dream.