Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Too late for a coherent post

I've been yearning for something to read that really moves me.  Be careful of what you wish for.  We are manifesting creatures.

Recently I started watching the Vlogbrothers on YouTube.   Well, I found out John Green writes books! I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars.  I said something about it on Facebook and my dear friend, Emily insisted on buying it for me.

The Fault in Our StarsNow, I had to finish the last book in the Uglies series.  It was entertaining but not moving.  But I finished it and started on The Fault in Our Stars. I was rather surprised at how fast I whipped through it.  And I layed in bed and read and read and read.

My mind has been absolutely swimming with thought.  Obsessing a bit, I know.  I'm sure on a subconscious level I picked the book for a reason.  I mean sure, John Green mentioned it in his vlog (it's going to be a movie in late spring 2014).  And it has the theme of cancer which is playing a pretty big role in my life as of late.  Not me.  I'm okay as far as I know.

The swarm of thoughts has been consuming me.  I'm sobbing, reading about the characters.  One thing it talked about having a desire to leave the world changed.  To have made a difference.  To have someone remember you.

So I have some friends who have been fighting the good fight.  Jen was diagnosed two years ago?  She has been talking a lot about her life winding down.  Tomorrow.. er I guess today, is her birthday. She's having a celebration.  Asking for no gifts.  That may sound like just a thoughtful request, but I can't help but believe it has everything to do with the "can't take it with you," thing.  I've been battling some illness and I'm debating on not going.  I'm going to sleep ALLLLL day and pray that I feel well.  I have been feeling crummy for several days so I'm hoping it's all working it's way out.  I can't imagine not going :(

The other friend is my friend Cameron who is newly diagnosed with leukemia.  She was VERY bad off when she went in the hospital.  I know they moved her somewhere that is more sterile as she kept getting fevers.  I was visiting a bunch but once my asthma lungs started feeling more like congested lungs (and congested sinuses) I decided to back off of visiting her in the hospital.  She has more chemo to do and then eventually will be getting a bone marrow transplant.

Then there is the fabulous Dori.  We're not close, per se.  She is a lovely lady from the doula group I used to attend.  She is in remission from her breast cancer but has had the craziest amount of side effects and horrible health shit ever since.  She is living proof that life is not exactly fair. But I admire how she chooses to handle it all.  She is pretty amazing.

Not all that long ago my friend Aimee was taking her son up to Children's in Seattle as he battled leukemia.  He is now in remission.  She has been such a trooper and strength to her family, and her son has been, also.  We haven't been all that close although I know her better than I know Dori.  She's been in my thoughts plenty, though.  Her family is so blessed to have her.

Of course my dad.  *sigh*  16 years gone now.  Esophageal cancer that spread.  Eventually his lungs just stopped working.  He is still so very missed.

Now as for me...... Everything these people have been going through dwarfs my petty problems.  But I know my problems are still problems but I can't help but feel like a total dick for being all whiny about my crap when these amazing people are fighting for life.

My thoughts disintegrated into a clusterfuck of morbidity.  And now?  I'm feeling some HUGE gratitude that I could pull myself out.  For a great many years reading the book would likely have sent me in a crazy spiral complete with some pretty awful morbid thoughts.  Not that they don't play their tricks on me a bit.  Why them?  Why not me?  You see, I see the biggest, ugliest parts of me.  The selfish, cold, self righteous, asshole.  I think about all my horrible habits and how I feel like I take WAY more than I give in this life... I wonder why not me?  Parts of me wonder if I need to go through something like that in order to suffer enough to make up for my being a jerk.  Where the hell do these thoughts come from?

Well, I wrote them down.  Now I can try to focus on something else.  I won't erase them on the offhand chance someone else reads it and says, "Holy shit!  I feel that way all the time!  Maybe I'm NOT an asshole!"

I'm trying to take it all and learn from it. I want to appreciate what I have. I try to keep it all in mind, how fragile it all is. I try to always appreciate my husband sleeping next to me. I try to savor the time I have with Marshall. It's all fleeting and I don't want to waste it. I am so very aware of my blessings.

But I think my crazy cyclical thinking is slowing.  I am trying to get well for the party.  I better get to bed.

As a side.  I'm hoping to get more John Green books.  Will be buying my ebooks through King's Books' website so they can get a nice little kickback.