Friday, October 11, 2013

Big Ole Vent

I like my ob/gyn.  I do NOT like her nurse.  She was mean and condescending in her messaging and treated me like I'm an asshole.  "..you said you are averaging 50 day cycles but then you said that you are menstruating several days early??"  She was confused and snarky when SHE didn't understand that I'm trying to lengthen my luteal phase but shorten my pre-ovulatory phase.  I'm sorry that she was over reactive because she has NO clue about cycles.  Apparently she should not be working for a gyno... or with people, really.

THIS, my friends, is why I am so effing apprehensive about seeing a provider in the allopathic world for my fertility challenges.  This is not the first crappy experience I've had and, sadly, not the worst.

Who knows, maybe if I had just tried an RE after the first year of trying I would have had 3 more kids by now.  But I apparently have this foolish notion that for ME, the natural route is preferred (no judgement of others here. it's just my own path).  Apparently I should throw myself into the allopathic medicine world and just let them treat me like an idiot.  Is being treated like you're stupid part of the package?  WHY?  Apparently because I'm not allowed to have any more than one child and I'm not even getting to enjoy him now except for two days, every other week.

Everyone says "adoption" or "fostering".  You know what, I would LOVE that.  Apparently I'm not good enough.  Why do I have to be a perfect house keeper, with normal working hours, great finances and a perfect relationship to have another child?  Crack whores don't seem to have to follow those rules.  Maybe it's childish but it is NOT FAIR!

Some days I just wish this feeling of someone being missing in our family was gone.  If it were gone I'd be one of those people who just are happy to have an empty home.  Happy to be still relatively young when they are child-free.  Praising the fact there are no more sleepless nights or dirty diapers.  No crying.  No tantrums in the grocery store.  But nope.  I just see family photos and someone else should be there too.  Imagine having your very loving husband and child with you but still feel like someone else is missing.  Like you left home without a kid.  Where is ?  

I long for sleepless nights.  I long for helping a child through their emotions of tantrums (I don't expect to enjoy them, of course).  I long for dirty diapers and toys taking over.  I long for trying to find a babysitter so I can get one night out with my husband.  I want sibling rivalry and mediation between them.

Okay.  Guess what.  Bad day.  Yes, I have so much gratitude in my life for what I do have.. but today?  What I have is bad fucking day.

1 comment:

NAE said...

<3 I'm sorry you've had such a nasty day. <3