Sunday, April 28, 2013

Normally OK

Way too often I use this forum for all my rough patches.  I have good ones too, I swear.  I'm just out living them instead of sitting around writing about them.

I've been mostly good lately.  But I had a rough day a couple days ago.  All surrounding pregnancy.  It ended with some craft store employees thoughtlessly and loudly joking about self administered abortions.  I actually stopped, explained that I wasn't mad but that they need to think about the other people who may unintentionally hear them..... like someone who's struggled with fertility shit for the last 10 years.  And then I promptly started crying.  The girl I talked to looked mortified and offered me a tissue.  I said no thank you and as I always seem to do I apologized for crying and walked away.  My goal wasn't to shame anyone or to get them in trouble (I didn't talk to any managers or anything) but to make them aware that their actions can effect others.

I feel so much more at peace with the process when my body is working normally.  When I ovulate, keep a high temp, and then, 14 days later, menstruate.  Guess what is not happening.  My cycles have been so screwed up since my last miscarriage.  Meh.

The same day I went to my channeling class and got the message that I needed to allow the feelings to come out (but not focusing or holding on to them).  Sort of challenging.  Easier to repress or kick myself for feeling these very human things.

Okay, done talking about this but this is what I've been feeling stuff about.

I'm currently trying to manifest a large home in order to be able to look into fostering.  It's something we've always talked about but haven't been actively seeking.

Can't exactly hold my breath about the other stuff.