Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Too late for a coherent post

I've been yearning for something to read that really moves me.  Be careful of what you wish for.  We are manifesting creatures.

Recently I started watching the Vlogbrothers on YouTube.   Well, I found out John Green writes books! I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars.  I said something about it on Facebook and my dear friend, Emily insisted on buying it for me.

The Fault in Our StarsNow, I had to finish the last book in the Uglies series.  It was entertaining but not moving.  But I finished it and started on The Fault in Our Stars. I was rather surprised at how fast I whipped through it.  And I layed in bed and read and read and read.

My mind has been absolutely swimming with thought.  Obsessing a bit, I know.  I'm sure on a subconscious level I picked the book for a reason.  I mean sure, John Green mentioned it in his vlog (it's going to be a movie in late spring 2014).  And it has the theme of cancer which is playing a pretty big role in my life as of late.  Not me.  I'm okay as far as I know.

The swarm of thoughts has been consuming me.  I'm sobbing, reading about the characters.  One thing it talked about having a desire to leave the world changed.  To have made a difference.  To have someone remember you.

So I have some friends who have been fighting the good fight.  Jen was diagnosed two years ago?  She has been talking a lot about her life winding down.  Tomorrow.. er I guess today, is her birthday. She's having a celebration.  Asking for no gifts.  That may sound like just a thoughtful request, but I can't help but believe it has everything to do with the "can't take it with you," thing.  I've been battling some illness and I'm debating on not going.  I'm going to sleep ALLLLL day and pray that I feel well.  I have been feeling crummy for several days so I'm hoping it's all working it's way out.  I can't imagine not going :(

The other friend is my friend Cameron who is newly diagnosed with leukemia.  She was VERY bad off when she went in the hospital.  I know they moved her somewhere that is more sterile as she kept getting fevers.  I was visiting a bunch but once my asthma lungs started feeling more like congested lungs (and congested sinuses) I decided to back off of visiting her in the hospital.  She has more chemo to do and then eventually will be getting a bone marrow transplant.

Then there is the fabulous Dori.  We're not close, per se.  She is a lovely lady from the doula group I used to attend.  She is in remission from her breast cancer but has had the craziest amount of side effects and horrible health shit ever since.  She is living proof that life is not exactly fair. But I admire how she chooses to handle it all.  She is pretty amazing.

Not all that long ago my friend Aimee was taking her son up to Children's in Seattle as he battled leukemia.  He is now in remission.  She has been such a trooper and strength to her family, and her son has been, also.  We haven't been all that close although I know her better than I know Dori.  She's been in my thoughts plenty, though.  Her family is so blessed to have her.

Of course my dad.  *sigh*  16 years gone now.  Esophageal cancer that spread.  Eventually his lungs just stopped working.  He is still so very missed.

Now as for me...... Everything these people have been going through dwarfs my petty problems.  But I know my problems are still problems but I can't help but feel like a total dick for being all whiny about my crap when these amazing people are fighting for life.

My thoughts disintegrated into a clusterfuck of morbidity.  And now?  I'm feeling some HUGE gratitude that I could pull myself out.  For a great many years reading the book would likely have sent me in a crazy spiral complete with some pretty awful morbid thoughts.  Not that they don't play their tricks on me a bit.  Why them?  Why not me?  You see, I see the biggest, ugliest parts of me.  The selfish, cold, self righteous, asshole.  I think about all my horrible habits and how I feel like I take WAY more than I give in this life... I wonder why not me?  Parts of me wonder if I need to go through something like that in order to suffer enough to make up for my being a jerk.  Where the hell do these thoughts come from?

Well, I wrote them down.  Now I can try to focus on something else.  I won't erase them on the offhand chance someone else reads it and says, "Holy shit!  I feel that way all the time!  Maybe I'm NOT an asshole!"

I'm trying to take it all and learn from it. I want to appreciate what I have. I try to keep it all in mind, how fragile it all is. I try to always appreciate my husband sleeping next to me. I try to savor the time I have with Marshall. It's all fleeting and I don't want to waste it. I am so very aware of my blessings.

But I think my crazy cyclical thinking is slowing.  I am trying to get well for the party.  I better get to bed.

As a side.  I'm hoping to get more John Green books.  Will be buying my ebooks through King's Books' website so they can get a nice little kickback.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Big Ole Vent

I like my ob/gyn.  I do NOT like her nurse.  She was mean and condescending in her messaging and treated me like I'm an asshole.  "..you said you are averaging 50 day cycles but then you said that you are menstruating several days early??"  She was confused and snarky when SHE didn't understand that I'm trying to lengthen my luteal phase but shorten my pre-ovulatory phase.  I'm sorry that she was over reactive because she has NO clue about cycles.  Apparently she should not be working for a gyno... or with people, really.

THIS, my friends, is why I am so effing apprehensive about seeing a provider in the allopathic world for my fertility challenges.  This is not the first crappy experience I've had and, sadly, not the worst.

Who knows, maybe if I had just tried an RE after the first year of trying I would have had 3 more kids by now.  But I apparently have this foolish notion that for ME, the natural route is preferred (no judgement of others here. it's just my own path).  Apparently I should throw myself into the allopathic medicine world and just let them treat me like an idiot.  Is being treated like you're stupid part of the package?  WHY?  Apparently because I'm not allowed to have any more than one child and I'm not even getting to enjoy him now except for two days, every other week.

Everyone says "adoption" or "fostering".  You know what, I would LOVE that.  Apparently I'm not good enough.  Why do I have to be a perfect house keeper, with normal working hours, great finances and a perfect relationship to have another child?  Crack whores don't seem to have to follow those rules.  Maybe it's childish but it is NOT FAIR!

Some days I just wish this feeling of someone being missing in our family was gone.  If it were gone I'd be one of those people who just are happy to have an empty home.  Happy to be still relatively young when they are child-free.  Praising the fact there are no more sleepless nights or dirty diapers.  No crying.  No tantrums in the grocery store.  But nope.  I just see family photos and someone else should be there too.  Imagine having your very loving husband and child with you but still feel like someone else is missing.  Like you left home without a kid.  Where is ?  

I long for sleepless nights.  I long for helping a child through their emotions of tantrums (I don't expect to enjoy them, of course).  I long for dirty diapers and toys taking over.  I long for trying to find a babysitter so I can get one night out with my husband.  I want sibling rivalry and mediation between them.

Okay.  Guess what.  Bad day.  Yes, I have so much gratitude in my life for what I do have.. but today?  What I have is bad fucking day.

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Little Bird

I miss my boy.  Sure he's not 17, he's 13.  But I already still feel the pulling.  Football.  Junior High.  Girls.  Stinky.  Hairy.  But still sweet. Thoughtful.  Amazing.  And he's not home with me. I hate missing this time.  I miss him so much it hurts.

Nothing like finding a good song to wring some tears out, right?

Monday, September 30, 2013

What? I haven't updated?

There has been a lot going on as of late.

Brett and I are now doing very well.  We've been in the small Tacoma apartment for over a year now and constantly make jokes about how things have changed.  I often say "I got rid of my husband and got a boyfriend."  Brett will say the same in that he refers to his "first wife" as me in our former relationship.  It doesn't mean we don't have challenges.  But the shift in responsibility has changed and things are far more balanced.  There is something magical about changing a relationship from codependency to two people who love each other but in stead of needing one another, we simply desire to be together.

Marshall has been living with his dad for over a year now, too.  This is very difficult for me and right now, I'd rather not talk a whole lot about.  But I miss him so very much and wish he were here with me.  I have him every other weekend during the school year.

Brett and I are still TTC.  I'm working with a pretty cool OB/GYN who has been who has taken care of my cervix stuff.  I'm currently taking progesterone post ovulation.  I'm still ovulating according to temping and symptoms but my cycles are still weirdly long.  Last cycle I ovulated on CD43 and this cycle, CD39.  My cycle before those two was even worse. Looks to be getting better, perhaps?  Also seeing other good changes.  Crossing my fingers.

Work has been okay.  Brett is working a couple different jobs as a "floater".  He also recently became a volunteer firefighter.  He's actually going to be starting firefighter school in January (every Saturday for however long).  He is such a service type person.  He wants to be helping other people.  One of his jobs has been working as an EMT/Security Officer for Woodland Park Zoo.  He has had many fun stories to tell about work.  The animals, of course.  Celebrities that are there for concerts.  Cute kids he cares for when they take a spill.  I wish I could express what joy it gives me seeing my husband so happy.

Trying to gear up now for the holidays.  I'm supposed to be working the Holiday Bazaar at work so I need to start getting stuff ready!!!

I think that's good for now.  There are dishes in the kitchen that won't wash themselves and I have an online shift to work tonight.  Until next time, friends.

Monday, September 02, 2013

Distraction, Disconnection and Disenthrallment

I've been thinking a lot about how we distract ourselves from what is happening. We disconnect from our present lives and we get sucked into anything we can in order to occupy our minds.  We are constantly creating new ways to distract ourselves.  We always have sensory input.  We listen to music while exercising or doing chores.  We watch movies when we have "nothing to do".  We must fill ever moment with some *thing*.

I'm slowly weaning myself from these times of distraction.  Doing dishes without headphones.  Letting my mind wander, trying to bring myself back to the present whenever possible.  Driving in silence.  Reducing smart phone time.  Consistently looking around to pull myself into the present.

Am I perfect at this? No.  I'm a work in progress, just like everyone else.  But it's something to strive for, yes?

Monday, July 01, 2013


I'm going fishing for the first time in about 18-19 years.  I'm acutely aware of how little I know about fishing. I went fishing as a kid and young adult.  But when my dad passed away I stopped.  Not saying that's WHY I stopped.. but either way I did.  I'm now acutely aware of how my dad set up my pole for me for whatever type of fishing I wanted to do.  I just cast, reeled and stringed them.  My dad would clean them.  He would tell me which bait to use.  I discovered I liked bass fishing because it meant using spinnerbait or some other cool little jig and constantly casting and reeling.  Good for those of us with short attention spans.

But I'm about to take my 13 year old son fishing.  I want to share this with him.  Also, I want to get low-cost food and low-cost entertainment.  So far, all I've paid for has been my license.

Oh, but there is something else I'm a little anxious about.  I've researched the hell out of how to tie lures.  I've researched the easiest, most efficient way to clean a fish.  What am I having a hard time with?

Killing the fish.

I was a vegetarian for 4.5 years (vegan for 1 year).  Meat made me squeamish, especially chicken.  Then I started craving more and more protein.  I added eggs back.  Then diary.  I ended up eating beans, cheese, and sour cream.  Lived off of it.  Still felt I was missing something.  Then I started dreaming of meat. Eventually the guilt feelings went away.  I started eating meat again.  I now have a great appreciation for living things (both plant and animal) giving their lives for me to eat.

And I have great respect for those who kill their own food.  I think it's an awesome thing to be connected with what you eat, with what gives it life for us.  But I have to kill the fish.  I feel good about doing it instead of blindly eating animals without really grasping the enormity of it.  Connecting me with my food and being more self sufficient.

Okay, I need to get out the door to get fishing.  The kiddo is restless.  It helps I told him we can fish tomorrow night after work also. ;)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

DOMA is gone!!!

There is a lot of news out there about DOMA being done away with.  And it's about freaking time!!!
While I've never been completely secretive about my sexuality because I have nothing to be ashamed of, I don't often go around chanting "I like boys AND girls!!!"  It doesn't affect you, folks.  But there was a time where I was not only super crazy half closeted (you know, because I'm half gay) but I was in quite the denial myself.

Although, you could regularly hear a well placed "F" bomb in my house there were still some pretty set views about religion.  This also covered same sex relationships.  I received all the same messages that most Christians get.  Including the "love the sinner, hate the sin."  In retrospect, a cop out.  Oh, some of you who have known me for enough years may have even heard that pop out of my mouth.  I've spent a lot of my adult life forgiving myself for some pretty closed minded views I held when I was younger.

So my half-gayness.... I am not a fan of the term "bi-sexual" because it comes with it connotations with being confused or promiscuous.  I am neither.  It was a lot easier for me to deny the gay side because I liked boys too.  It's a whole lot easier to ignore those feelings or just close your eyes and say, "I just care about her because she's my best friend.... or I admire her prettiness.... They're things *I* want, it's not attraction."

Without the story (it's innocent but weird) I finally admitted to myself on my 18th birthday that I had feelings for girls.  It was a punch in the eye in the greatest of ways.  I still kept it quiet for the most part (mostly from myself) for many years.  I don't think it was until after I split with Marshall's dad did I start contemplating dating both men and women.  As I started dating Brett about a year and a half after Marshall's dad and I split, I didn't really have a chance to explore it.

By all means, I could be one of those women who say "I'm hetero because I'm with a man."  Well... I'm not. I'm with my husband and I love him so very much.  But that doesn't mean I'm no longer attracted to women. I would love to see one woman out there who is married and doesn't find anyone else attractive.

However, it sucks so bad that because I happened to fall in love with a person who is considered acceptable by our country, I was able to marry him.  What if he had been a woman?  I'll skip over all the legalities (and there are plenty, especially considering Marshall is involved) but say it's not fair.

Part of me things EVERYONE should have only civil unions and only religious entities can perform marriages (that have no legal binding).  Some countries do this and I think it's great.  Give me a hand fasting any day.  But the Union would provide partners of any gender with protection.  No getting kids taken away by pissed off exes.  No people getting kicked out of their homes because of their partner's zealot family.  No being kept from those on their deathbed.  WTF, people!?  Don't want gay marriage?  Don't marry someone of the same gender!  How the fuck does it effect you?!

So, there it is.  One step dealt with.  The Descrimination Defense of Marriage Act is gone.  Good riddance!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

A gigantic thank you to Marshall Douglas. You gave me the best thing I ever received. You! You made me a mom. It's been a fun, challenging and very rich learning experience. I have grown by being a mother to you in ways I never would have without you. I love you so very much.
And thank you to all the spirits in my life that made me somewhere to reside for just a few brief moments. Thank you got touching my heart, my life and letting me love you.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Normally OK

Way too often I use this forum for all my rough patches.  I have good ones too, I swear.  I'm just out living them instead of sitting around writing about them.

I've been mostly good lately.  But I had a rough day a couple days ago.  All surrounding pregnancy.  It ended with some craft store employees thoughtlessly and loudly joking about self administered abortions.  I actually stopped, explained that I wasn't mad but that they need to think about the other people who may unintentionally hear them..... like someone who's struggled with fertility shit for the last 10 years.  And then I promptly started crying.  The girl I talked to looked mortified and offered me a tissue.  I said no thank you and as I always seem to do I apologized for crying and walked away.  My goal wasn't to shame anyone or to get them in trouble (I didn't talk to any managers or anything) but to make them aware that their actions can effect others.

I feel so much more at peace with the process when my body is working normally.  When I ovulate, keep a high temp, and then, 14 days later, menstruate.  Guess what is not happening.  My cycles have been so screwed up since my last miscarriage.  Meh.

The same day I went to my channeling class and got the message that I needed to allow the feelings to come out (but not focusing or holding on to them).  Sort of challenging.  Easier to repress or kick myself for feeling these very human things.

Okay, done talking about this but this is what I've been feeling stuff about.

I'm currently trying to manifest a large home in order to be able to look into fostering.  It's something we've always talked about but haven't been actively seeking.

Can't exactly hold my breath about the other stuff.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Got some less than awesome news about a friend today.  For hours I acted normal. But my thoughts keep going back to her. Then just this weird thing where I'm doing normal things and thinking, "How can I just laugh/answer phones/eat chips while she is going through this?"

I have to tell you this is so surreal. I want her to be well. I want a promise that we'll be old ladies together. I want to do more for her. I want to be a good friend to her.

I was watching some TV show and I sort of fell apart for a moment. Just sobbed. Sad. Helpless.

Please, Universe, Divine, God, Goddess, whomever.. Please help make my friend well.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Amanda Palmer Knows Something

Recently I posted to facebook.. I said the messages come to us with perfect timing.  This is no exception.  Recently it was implied that my intentions weren't enough.  "Love doesn't pay the bills."  By all means, I'm working.  And Brett is now searching for work (both as an EMT and as whatever else will help pay for our lifestyle)... but I make small bags of tea and lotions and trade services (yes, behind on several) and I say things like, "Thank you for calling REI...."  But what I'm doing is trying to make connections, to help others, to share skills and to listen to my heart on my next move as often as I can.

We often have this cloud over us pointing out what we're doing wrong.  I don't make enough.  Brett should have stuck with the job with the good pay.  I need to be better at all things.

But, my friends, I am living my truth.  I am living from my heart.  I know I sometimes fall short when I second guess myself and I'm doing what I can to stop that.

I am a work in progress.  I am beautiful the way I am.  All of my silly mistakes.  All of my poor choices.  They are all shaping me and forming me.  I am working on my own personal responsibility and I'm learning to respect and honor where I'm coming from in this very moment.  I love you, Johanna and all the sugar you eat and the silly things you shouldn't have bought.  Because once I love myself and see every crappy move as a step towards growing who I am and, again, learning to live from my heart, that's when I learn.  That's when I can shift to the next level and the better decisions.

Yes, this all came to me from watching a video by Amanda Palmer.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Rolling with the Punches

I think it's funny how we set ourselves up trying to control the flow of life's path.  It works sometimes.  I made sure I had ingredients for pizza.  I made pizza.  WIN!

But sometimes life will throw you a curve ball.. Okay, a LOT of times life will throw you a curve ball.

I'm trying to be vague here because this blog is supposed to be about my journey but it often involves other people who aren't wanting to share.

We'll just say I'm currently exercising a lesson in being flexible and embracing change and the opportunity to use the skills I've learned.

Today I'm focusing on standing up for what is right even when it's hard.  Even when those decisions also mean that that the way we've set up life will no longer function.  It's time to change the plan.  That's part of living in the present and going with the flow.

I'm also exercising this statement that Wayne Dyer taught me and recently RuPaul has pummeled into my brain (yes, RuPaul.. all those episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race are paying off).  Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Forward Motion

I haven't updated in a while, have I?


Brett is finishing his week of school.  I doubt I will hear from him much.  He is up in the mountains doing this crazy wilderness EMT training.  He loves it.  Even the hard things he loves.  I'm ridiculously proud of him for taking a leap.  He cares about the job instead of what it will make him financially.  That is a very special type of difficult for him.  Security.  But he did it anyway.  He took a risk and he's doing very well.  Friday he graduates!

I am aware I haven't updated on my health in a while and people have started asking.  So here we go.

I finally got my first post-procedure pap.  All is clear.  I have to do another in 3 months but this one was especially significant.  My doctor said she whole heartedly gives us her blessing for trying once again to conceive.  So, in a nut shell, the baby maker is great and we're all a go to start our attempts at procreation once more.

So, do know, I'm aware with things so up in the air in life that maybe trying for a baby isn't the greatest thing.  Well, you know what?  Life happens all over the place.  I cannot hold my breath for perfect.  Things have been unstable, stable, unstable, stable, unstable... you get the picture.  I'm not getting any younger.  We've been trying on and off over the last decade and even though I can think of a million reasons I should give it up it is still a desire I can't even put to words.  We want more children.

So there it is.  Back to limiting caffeine, supplements, temping and just being conscious of our thoughts.

If if weren't to happen I can still say it's been an amazing journey.. but good lord, I hope it happens.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Hush, brain

I think too much.


I think most of us think too much.


I’m struggling with Brett being away.  I cannot even tell you how happy I am that he is doing this for himself.  I wish I could convey how excited he is when he talks about this or that.  He came home for the weekend and was going on about this sort of procedure or that sort of condition.  It was both interesting to hear but also remarkably wonderful to hear so much happiness in his voice.  He is doing amazingly.  96% on his first test!  Way to go, Brett!!!! :D


But me.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I like having some time, every once in a while, to be alone.  I do believe I’ve had more than my preferred amount of alone time.  He has 3 more weeks of school.  This means aside from one Marshie weekend I’ll be alone that whole time.  For a brief moment that sounded appealing (never really have been alone in all of my adult life).  Now I know what it’s like and I’m done with it.  Nope, don’t like it.


I’ve talked to people who say energetically we’re going through some extra challenging times.  I know I feel tons of ups and downs right now.  In general I’m happy.  But days like today I’m emotionally overcharged and I just could use a good cry. 


I’ll get through it.  I know I’m okay.  The moment can suck and I know it’ll be okay later.  Sometimes you just have to hold on to that.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


I get in the car. Brett had just taken Marshall home. I say to him on the way to get groceries, "I don't know why I'm so emotional." Brett says, "Maybe because your heart is walking around outside your body."

This guy gets me.

The tide is in....

Sometimes I'm amazed at how big my feelings feel.  I'm amazed by how the tone of a sing, some life altering situation in such a song can bring about such intense emotions that I feel it in my entire body.

I totally get why water represents emotions.  I can feel the flood of emotions through every cell of my being.

It is a most amazing experience to be a spirit, born into this feeling body.  I can see why I chose it.