Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I have this small, furry best friend who has helped me through so very many hard times. She is funny and weird and smarter than I'd like.

I figured with the vacuuming earlier in the day and the constant running of the HEPA filter my bedroom should be ok to sleep in. I tried to sleep with a mask but it didn't work. I made sure I took my asthma medicine.

I tossed and turned all night. Awoke rather suddenly when I was having acute asthma symptoms. Asthma attack? Gasping, wheezy breaths, coughing, more gasping, tight chest. Ran into the living room with my pillow. Threw a sheet on the couch, changed my pillowcase and fetched a cat free blanket. Exhausted and still trying to control my breath I tried to rest.

Broken is my heart that twice I've had to shoo my Karma kitty away.  Now my chest hurts in another way. She has no understanding of what's going on. She has no idea why I won't let her snuggle me.

I'm so at a loss.

Monday, December 17, 2012

life keeps going... sort of.

Yes, it's 6 AM and I'm awake.  It's been a rough night.  I tossed and turned.  Every time I moved, Karma, my sweet orange tabby, has headed for the head of my bed and started crying and trying to rub her face on mine.  This may seem like a sweet gesture but it's literally suffocating me right now.

It's been a while now since I've written.  My life mainly consists of working, sleeping, eating and the occasional visit from my child or to a friend or two.  There has been virtually no room for anything else.  This includes dishes.

The dishes.  They are out of control.  When I first moved in here I did not lament not having a dishwasher one bit.  I still don't, really.  What I have a hard time with is that typically my day is that I get up as late as I can because I'm so, incredibly tired.  I shower, I dress, I go to work.  Lately, often, that means simply crossing the living room to my desk that holds my work computer.    I tell myself that when I'm done with work I'll do dishes.  But when I'm done I just can't do much other than stare at the TV for a while before I go to bed where I often toss and turn.  I'm completely wiped out.

On my weekends off I go get Marshall and spend time with him.  Often those are the only times things get done, much to his dismay.  "Mom, can't we watch a movie together?"  I'm not saying I don't do that when he's here but there is so much catch up with firsts then we get to play.  Any other days off seem to be eaten up by running errands, things I've promised either myself or someone else I'll handle, or doctor's visits.

Doctor's visits.  There have been far too many of those as of late.

This is where I make the disclaimer that I have friends and acquaintances who are dealing with FAR worse than I am.  I do not even try to pretend that my issues are more important than all the horrific things some of the people I love have to deal with either with their health or the health of the ones they love.

But I won't invalidate my own experiences.  In my lifetime these recent developments have been some of the most challenging experiences I've dealt with, physically.  Strangely enough, for the most part, emotionally I've been good.  The only time this really, REALLY wears on me is times like now.  When I'm ridiculously over tired.

So last night I tossed and turned and Meems (Karma's nick name) rubbed her dander laden body across my face.  Eventually I pet her.  Scratched behind her ears and under her chin like she loves.  Then I tried to cover my hand and remember if I touched my own face with that hand before washing it I would be in some serious trouble.  Eventually, just being acutely aware of my tainted hand made me get up.  Might as well wash my hands and go to the bathroom, and well, wash my hands again.  I do a lot of hand washing these days.

I lied back down.  More tossing and turning.  I called Brett as I knew he was at work.  "Why are you awake?"  *sigh*  "Go back to sleep."  I hung up and tried to sleep.    My eyes were itching horrifically.  But I knew by the feeling if I didn't use my neti pot to calm my sinuses I would end up with one very red, itchy, swollen eye.  The other one would be pretty pissed off too.  Sinus irrigation.  Better but not awesome.

I then felt compelled to just update.  I don't even think I've really done that yet and I already have a pretty large entry. I also figured it would give me something to do while I wait for the California Poppy tincture to kick in. Good sleepy time stuff.

Okay.  The health stuff.

Well, you all know the 'gina drama.  Me and my cervix are doing fabulous.  The health drama luckily has had nothing to do with my reproductive parts.  In fact, if I get a clean bill of vagina health at the end of next month, Brett and I will get the Gyno's approval to start TTC again.  Yes, we still want to try.

My health crap has consisted of healing from my LEEP, getting a sinus infection that made my eyes swell and itch, getting rid of the sinus infection but my eyes still swelling and itching, catching an ugly head cold, coughing during that cold, coughing after that cold and then by around Thanksgiving I was having problems breathing.  Oh, and on a report from a blood draw we did to see why I was coughing six weeks out from my cold I got this message: "sign of prior cytomegalovirus and ebv (mono infection). None currently."  I had been virus laden.  GO ME!  Perhaps the beginning of the worst part of the fatigue?  Who knows.

The biggest part of what *is* going presently on is allergies.  This sounds benign enough.  Just pop an allergy pill and be done with it, right?  Oh, nothing can be that easy for me.

Apparently, also from my blood work I saw that I am allergic to cats.  Yes, I have a cat.  I know I have always had mild allergies from cats and would thus, bathe Karma monthly to keep dander down.  It's not enough now.  When I moved into this place the former tenants had two cats.  This, plus my, excuse my French, fucked immune system AND having a cat of my own just sent my allergies into over drive.  Diagnosis?  Allergy induced asthma.

In retrospect I was starting to have a couple of the lesser known asthma symptoms before I moved.  Excessive sighing, which sounds funny but I remember often not being able to catch my breath, thus would sigh heavily.  It was a regular conversation between Brett and I:   *SIGH*  Brett, "What's wrong?"  Me, "Huh?  Nothing, I just sighed.  I just needed a breath."  Yeah.   Then the second was increasing incidences of coughing, and no matter how mild it was occasionally my whole respiratory system would get very pissed off and refuse to work.  It was like I was choking on nothing.  Either of these things may have been nothing if it wasn't for what ended up happening.

I often can't breathe.  I feel suffocated.  The doctor put me on Singulair which treats asthma and allergies.  I didn't realize how much it was working until the other night I forgot to take one.  The next morning I couldn't figure out why that tight chest feeling was stronger and my eyes were even itchier than normal.  Then I realized it.  Bah!  Ridiculous.  I'm annoying myself with all this crap.  Oh, the albuterol inhaler?  Doesn't seem to help but does, however, make me feel annoyingly jittery. I'm still doing the thing where I cough, sometimes one teeny cough, and then I'm not able to breathe for a few seconds.  I've learned when I cough I purposely hold my breath for a couple seconds while my respiratory system calms down.  Works like a charm most of the time.  When I don't do that it's a wonderful time of red faced choking and attempts at gasping (no air comes in at all, though)  Also, the last couple of days I've vaporized mint leaves and am amazed at how much it opens my airways!  Peppermint is great for asthma.  Ma huang is even better but the meth addicts ruined it for everyone in the US.  Thanks, btw.

In effect, I'm allergic to my apartment but I'm too tired to clean it enough where I could try to rent a shampooer.  Plus, housekeeping isn't exactly my forte.  I know I have friends who would help but I don't want to ask that of them.  Especially because I'd be expected to clean too and all I want to do is sleep.  I really would like like three days off just to sleep.  Funny how I need to rest and want to retreat to my home but my home is part of the problem.  What do you do with that?  Side note: I'm running two HEPA filters and it helps, but not enough.

I'm sure when you think of the physical crap it sounds like I must be miserable.  Well, physically I'm drained and I really don't want my eyes to itch and I want to be able to breathe again.  But emotionally?  I'm actually good.  Brett will be home in a matter of days.  In a month he'll be going back to school for a new career (one I think befits him and he will excel).  We got some ugly, hovering debt dealt with (no more collections!) and all and all, I'm pretty happy :)

I miss my boy but value the experiences he is getting.  He and his dad are having to learn how to live together.  They've never had that.  When Marshall is all grown up he'll be able to say he knows what it's like.

But I do miss him.  The kid is a keeper.

I think I'm going to attempt to sleep a bit longer.  Driving into work today.