Monday, October 01, 2012

Full Moon

Yeah, it was last night but I certainly feel the rush of emotions today.

So much has been going on and I've been debating on what to put on here.  It seems certain persons have been reading this blog.  That is okay, it's public.  But what wasn't okay was when that person  used information here to grill my husband about our personal life.

I announced I was diagnosed with HPV.  A simple Google search will tell you that this is an STD.  What this person failed to realize, however, is that it is one that can lie dormant for decades.  It's one that may forever go undiagnosed.  The statistic is that 80% of women will be exposed to HPV by age 50.  That statistic doesn't take into consideration that so many people have it and don't know it.  It's generally only ever diagnosed when a pap comes back weird.

It really should be a non-thing.  No idea where or when I got it.  Could have been from Brett. Could have been from a partner more than a decade ago.  No one could say.  Passing blame and judgement on a shitty diagnosis is really a cruel thing to do by someone who is unhappy and somehow tries to make themselves feel better by making other people unhappy.

Brett and I have been through the wringer lately.  We're at a point where we love each other.  We want to make things work.  But we are trying to figure out what that means to how our relationship will work.

I'm in a new place.  Marshall is living with his dad for the time being.  That one still hasn't fully sunk in.  It's been a week since I've seen him.  THAT is strange for sure.  As much as I cherish the quiet I miss him terribly.  He really is an amazing boy.

Brett isn't sure if he's going to get an apartment of his own or go back to North Dakota.  For now he is here with me in the new place.  If he does get his own place, theoretically it will be temporary.  Give us time just to be still for a moment.  Think about who we are instead of defining ourselves by our relationship.  I hope that will bring us together in a stronger way.

The big realization for me was just seeing how things fell into place haphazardly in our relationship.  We could only see the examples set out for us.  We tried to fit some one else's mold.  Trying desperately to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I really feel the move was necessary.  A way to break everything down to the bare bones of who we are together and start discovering, and then building, what we need together.

We already know we have a very non-traditional relationship.  And as public as a blog is some things are better left private.  But we do love one another.  Even now I look at him, how he looks at me, and I realize, "Wow, this guy really loves me.  He sees all the ugly bits and he loves me anyway."  How fucking lucky am I?

Things still need to change in our relationship.  He needs to ditch the negativity and crappy self talk.  I have a list of a zillion things I need to do.  Don't worry, I'm fully aware.  But I'm seeing now that he needs to find happiness on his own (it's there if you look).  I am here just to love him and bare witness. And he can't be responsible for my happiness.  We both need to learn who we are at the heart of ourselves.  We need to grow.  And that's okay.  Growing is good.

So... The HPV.  I had this thing called LEEP done.  They take some electric wire and slice a layer of my cervix.  It was the lamest place to need it (the canal) and it was pretty severe.  But I likened the procedure to getting a cavity drilled out.  Gotta get the bad stuff out so it doesn't spread.  Then you just have good stuff left over.  I've had a whole bunch of friends who have had it done as well (remember, weirdly common) and have no lasting effects from it.  I was actually startled by exactly HOW many of them said they had dealt with the same thing.

I've had a good four days of doing nothing but knitting and watching True Blood and Big Love. I head back to work tomorrow evening.   Luckily, as it's a phone job I will still be able to take it easy.  I have to avoid heavy lifting for about 3ish weeks and during that time my girl bits are off limits!

I know, it all sounds super exciting, right?

Well, I just HAD to stay up to finish the last episodes of Big Love (I kept having the sneaking suspicion that *someone* had to die).  But now it's bed time.  I have a snugly cat and a husband in my bed and I better get to it... plus I want to get more things organized so when Marshie Pie comes here this upcoming weekend it'll be a lot easier to maneuver.  Yeah, I sure like that kid.

Goodnight.
Blessed Be, friends.

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