Sunday, October 21, 2012

And the world continues to turn

Someone I follow on FB posted the query, when do you feel "safe" starting to collect stuff for a baby?  Do you collect right away?  Do you wait until you're 12 weeks?  14? 20? 30?

It made me realize I feel somewhat resigned and cynical.  I have witnessed so many friends and family get pregnant and have babies.  One after another.  No one suggests we try to get pregnant at the same time anymore.  Thank god for that!  At the same time it feels a little extra sad that even the world at large sees me as a lost cause.

Update on my vagina.  Yeah, my cervix, not my vagina.  Vagina is still funnier.  I go back in for a check up to see how my cervix is healing after the LEEP and to make sure they got everything (all the pre-c cells).  The doc wants me to suspend trying for another beh beh until we get a few clean paps under our belt.  Not exactly getting younger.  This annoys me.  Don't want to be reckless, though.

The desire is still there.  I had this moment of panic when I thought "when am I going to stop having that grain of hope?"  How could I deal if all that hope was gone?  When I hit menopause... or if something less than stellar happened with my cervix... or if my hormones never get sorted out.  What will it mean to no longer have ANY hope of conceiving?

This thought terrifies me.

By all means, if I never have another I'll be okay.  I have an amazing 12 year old who is insightful, thoughtful, smart and very funny (and adorable!).  He made me a mother.  This still boggles my mind.  No matter what he has made me unbelievably happy by choosing me to be his mother (I do believe we make these choices).

I just wasn't done.  I wanted to birth another baby.  I wanted to nurse another baby.  I just hope that if conception isn't possible we can get our act together and pursue adoption.  It's something I wanted to do anyhow.  I just know that things have to change in our life situation (mostly money/debt issues) before we can actively pursue it.  Ugh.  Enough thinking about it.  Sort of hurts my chest.

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