Friday, October 26, 2012

My happy vagina

Again, there was nothing wrong with my vagina. It was my cervix. But vagina is just funnier to me.

Had my follow up yesterday. They did a biopsy with the tissue they took during the LEEP. The top layer had severe pre-cancerous cells. The surgical side of the sample had nothing. This means they got everything. The sample from the remaining cervix was clear as well.

Game plan. I get another pap in 3 months. If everything is still all good I get her blessings to try and conceive again! Yay!

*happy dance*

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not that I'm bitter

Is the reason they charge so much for pathology because they pay someone like $200 an hour to suss out what is on the slide or just because you risk so much if you ignore it? Isn't that preying on those who may be ill?

Is there a reason my insurance doesn't want to cover it? Because 3 sets of of pathology reports is well over a grand. Makes me want to tell them to send me home with my tissue samples. I'll buy a microscope and a book to tell me what the eff I'm looking at.

What would happen if I just never got the physical? It may have gotten much worse but I wouldn't be afraid of going into a doctors office and having them tell me they couldn't help me anymore because of money. It makes me want to refuse any more tests and procedures because I'd rather dump that money into getting my husband's teeth fixed. Or get new tires on my car. Or to pay whatever other bills that have accumulated.

What DOES my insurance cover? Yearly visits just to find out something is wrong so you have to pay crazy amounts of money on further tests and procedures?

I'm really quite fed up with this all and sort of wished I'd never got that physical. I wish I'd never got insurance. Maybe the outcome would have sucked but I wouldn't be poisoning my body with the stress of money and wondering what the hell I'll have to do next.

That is all.

I need some chocolate.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And the world continues to turn

Someone I follow on FB posted the query, when do you feel "safe" starting to collect stuff for a baby?  Do you collect right away?  Do you wait until you're 12 weeks?  14? 20? 30?

It made me realize I feel somewhat resigned and cynical.  I have witnessed so many friends and family get pregnant and have babies.  One after another.  No one suggests we try to get pregnant at the same time anymore.  Thank god for that!  At the same time it feels a little extra sad that even the world at large sees me as a lost cause.

Update on my vagina.  Yeah, my cervix, not my vagina.  Vagina is still funnier.  I go back in for a check up to see how my cervix is healing after the LEEP and to make sure they got everything (all the pre-c cells).  The doc wants me to suspend trying for another beh beh until we get a few clean paps under our belt.  Not exactly getting younger.  This annoys me.  Don't want to be reckless, though.

The desire is still there.  I had this moment of panic when I thought "when am I going to stop having that grain of hope?"  How could I deal if all that hope was gone?  When I hit menopause... or if something less than stellar happened with my cervix... or if my hormones never get sorted out.  What will it mean to no longer have ANY hope of conceiving?

This thought terrifies me.

By all means, if I never have another I'll be okay.  I have an amazing 12 year old who is insightful, thoughtful, smart and very funny (and adorable!).  He made me a mother.  This still boggles my mind.  No matter what he has made me unbelievably happy by choosing me to be his mother (I do believe we make these choices).

I just wasn't done.  I wanted to birth another baby.  I wanted to nurse another baby.  I just hope that if conception isn't possible we can get our act together and pursue adoption.  It's something I wanted to do anyhow.  I just know that things have to change in our life situation (mostly money/debt issues) before we can actively pursue it.  Ugh.  Enough thinking about it.  Sort of hurts my chest.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Full Moon

Yeah, it was last night but I certainly feel the rush of emotions today.

So much has been going on and I've been debating on what to put on here.  It seems certain persons have been reading this blog.  That is okay, it's public.  But what wasn't okay was when that person  used information here to grill my husband about our personal life.

I announced I was diagnosed with HPV.  A simple Google search will tell you that this is an STD.  What this person failed to realize, however, is that it is one that can lie dormant for decades.  It's one that may forever go undiagnosed.  The statistic is that 80% of women will be exposed to HPV by age 50.  That statistic doesn't take into consideration that so many people have it and don't know it.  It's generally only ever diagnosed when a pap comes back weird.

It really should be a non-thing.  No idea where or when I got it.  Could have been from Brett. Could have been from a partner more than a decade ago.  No one could say.  Passing blame and judgement on a shitty diagnosis is really a cruel thing to do by someone who is unhappy and somehow tries to make themselves feel better by making other people unhappy.

Brett and I have been through the wringer lately.  We're at a point where we love each other.  We want to make things work.  But we are trying to figure out what that means to how our relationship will work.

I'm in a new place.  Marshall is living with his dad for the time being.  That one still hasn't fully sunk in.  It's been a week since I've seen him.  THAT is strange for sure.  As much as I cherish the quiet I miss him terribly.  He really is an amazing boy.

Brett isn't sure if he's going to get an apartment of his own or go back to North Dakota.  For now he is here with me in the new place.  If he does get his own place, theoretically it will be temporary.  Give us time just to be still for a moment.  Think about who we are instead of defining ourselves by our relationship.  I hope that will bring us together in a stronger way.

The big realization for me was just seeing how things fell into place haphazardly in our relationship.  We could only see the examples set out for us.  We tried to fit some one else's mold.  Trying desperately to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I really feel the move was necessary.  A way to break everything down to the bare bones of who we are together and start discovering, and then building, what we need together.

We already know we have a very non-traditional relationship.  And as public as a blog is some things are better left private.  But we do love one another.  Even now I look at him, how he looks at me, and I realize, "Wow, this guy really loves me.  He sees all the ugly bits and he loves me anyway."  How fucking lucky am I?

Things still need to change in our relationship.  He needs to ditch the negativity and crappy self talk.  I have a list of a zillion things I need to do.  Don't worry, I'm fully aware.  But I'm seeing now that he needs to find happiness on his own (it's there if you look).  I am here just to love him and bare witness. And he can't be responsible for my happiness.  We both need to learn who we are at the heart of ourselves.  We need to grow.  And that's okay.  Growing is good.

So... The HPV.  I had this thing called LEEP done.  They take some electric wire and slice a layer of my cervix.  It was the lamest place to need it (the canal) and it was pretty severe.  But I likened the procedure to getting a cavity drilled out.  Gotta get the bad stuff out so it doesn't spread.  Then you just have good stuff left over.  I've had a whole bunch of friends who have had it done as well (remember, weirdly common) and have no lasting effects from it.  I was actually startled by exactly HOW many of them said they had dealt with the same thing.

I've had a good four days of doing nothing but knitting and watching True Blood and Big Love. I head back to work tomorrow evening.   Luckily, as it's a phone job I will still be able to take it easy.  I have to avoid heavy lifting for about 3ish weeks and during that time my girl bits are off limits!

I know, it all sounds super exciting, right?

Well, I just HAD to stay up to finish the last episodes of Big Love (I kept having the sneaking suspicion that *someone* had to die).  But now it's bed time.  I have a snugly cat and a husband in my bed and I better get to it... plus I want to get more things organized so when Marshie Pie comes here this upcoming weekend it'll be a lot easier to maneuver.  Yeah, I sure like that kid.

Goodnight.
Blessed Be, friends.