Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Ugly

I created a painting today.  It was ugly.  I mean, aesthetically NOT pleasing.  It was an anatomically correct heart wrapped by a umbilical cord with a old fashioned pad lock snapped on.  It is weird.

 

Recently my heart broke right open.  I came back to life.  But waiting in the corner was this ugly little beast that tormented me before I shut it down before.  I slept for 7 months.  I wasn’t ok when I got out of bed.. I just decided that I needed to get out of bed.  So I stuffed it all away, locked it up, and shut it down.  But with a smile and a kind word I realized I still had a heart.  I realized it still functioned.  I should have known better.  That bastard was lurking, just waiting for me to snap out of it and revisit that room.

 

Today I sobbed my heart out.  I just cried and cried and cried.  I’d still be crying right now if I didn’t have to work.  I am just SO FUCKNG sad!

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly everyone seems to hold their crazy together so well and why I can’t.  I suppose it’s just that whole “passionate person” thing.  I don’t feel anything mildly.  I’m luke warm about nearly nothing.  To be myself.  To be my true, passionate, authentic self, I have to let myself feel how I need to feel.  Right now it’s just sad.

 

But hey, if you find a manual that tells the secrets on how to “get over” things let me know (not really, I’m sure they’re books.  But they all just boil down to “hey, jackass.  You have to process!”


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