Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Truest Self

Thank you Beltane for showing the birth of a new me.  I am a child of the earth, after all.

Tonight I had an ultimately challenging emotional experience.  But I am coming through it with great joy and gratitude, so very sincerely.  I am absolutely elated to really break through some huge hurdles.  I have truly grasped some concepts in the very last hour that have birthed a new dawn.

Just like when a child sort of understands the concepts of reading and can sound out a handful of words. They're not a full fledged "reader" yet.. but then one day it really clicks.  There is no turning back and even if they need to work with the concept for a while longer they have moved beyond a trigger point that will lead to a lot easier of a transition as they gain their reading skills...  This is what I've done.

I've been trying to really grasp the concept of letting other people have influence on my feelings and only now do I really see that these are just my own reactions to my own perceived traits in which I am insecure of.  I knew the general concept of letting others choose our feelings but it still hadn't "clicked".  Well, tonight, it has.

I encountered a very unique emotional blow.  But the thing was that the only one who was to blame was me.  NO, I'm not to blame for the situation (nor is anyone. This a been an experience of growth, as all experiences are. We're living what we know and trying to figure out what we should be doing)  but I was to blame for the hurt I was letting myself go through.  Why?  This is not me being self deprecating or self-loathing.  In fact, quite the opposite.

My actions for the last couple weeks have been very consciously derived from my desire to follow the true path of my heart.  To follow the path in alignment with my higher self and the Divine.  I have a great sense of accomplishment in knowing that every thing I have done up to this point has come from a loving place and an inner truth. I have "let go and let God" probably more honestly and in such truth that I have never experienced in my life.

It has been an honor to feel such things.  To act from a genuine place inside of myself.  There have been moments of old programming coming into play but those incidences were few and far between.

A personal situation occurred where my energies and the energies of others were jumbled up creating a type of dissonance.  I've learned, courtesy of my dear friend, Judy, that sometimes you have to use that dissonance as a way to break up the stagnant energy and move through to a more flowing energy.  The dissonance is a gift to help us grow. Forcing movement lest we become stagnant.

I felt a tightness and a confusion.. mostly confusion.  I wept for a moment.  But I knew as I cried that it was a good... a BLESSED thing I was experiencing and the tears brought with it some of the most beautiful growth possible.  I was filled with awe and gratitude.  The situation had started where I was learning about how jealousy was really just a form of dysfunction of my own self esteem.  then I was felt the insecurities of others and wanting to help them see their wholeness. Also wanted to create space where they could learn why they did not need to derive their own value on the actions of others. That self esteem is really just a concept of how we've learned to value ourselves based on other people's interactions with us.  A concept that is not real.

It hit me.. I have been gauging my value as a human being as a direct reflection of what I could offer.  I derived my own self worth on other people's dysfunctions.  I offered myself to my mother as a prized possession to take out and to prove she had something of value, only to be put away when I was not useful.  She didn't believe she had value beyond her wonderful boys and darling daughter.  She derived her own self worth through us. My abuser derived his own value from the sexual love he felt through me.  What I got from that situation was reassurance that it was what I could offer that proved my value.  The effects of this were not done TO me.. they were a side effect of other people just trying to figure out their own place in the world and to feel whole... (but remember, we already are, we just have the illusion of unwholeness clouding our eyes.)  So, I created my own negative programming simply as a byproduct of their own imagined self worth.  But as we move on we grow and the next cycle of programming put on others because of our own drama will be less than that of those who precede us.  We will take on less of other people's dysfunctions.  This is how we change the world.  Raising the vibration one notch at a time.

I have reinforced this belief system in myself for years.  Bad relationships.  What I could offer was a way I was proving my worth.  I would humiliate myself and allowed others to treat me in a way that would just help reinforce my beliefs of myself.  I've created in others actions that they would have otherwise not done.  I manifested the proof of my belief that I had no value outside of what I could offer.

So in the situation I encountered tonight I, add a knee jerk reaction, felt this hurt.  In analyzing it I realized that I was sad not that the event had taken place (I was still more confused than anything, being half asleep, which was a blessing that my mind had not fully engaged) but I was sad because I thought it was a direct reflection for not having offered enough.  But I reviewed the tape. The overwhelming fact of it all was just that I had connected repeatedly, grounding, releasing, and asking for the divine good and a desire to enjoy the physical life I've been given while creating a safe space for others to grow in a loving and supportive place.  I asked the Divine over and over for assistance in following the right path, the one most congruent with the best intentions for my path and the paths of those involved.

The realization?  I had done nothing wrong.  The dissonance was not a direct reflection of my value in any shape or form.  It was people's journey to find where they fit in.  To find their own value.  If I could, I would offer the same realization that their value is not dependent on how others feel about them and what they can offer.  I see them as whole but just unaware of how beautiful they are.

As a bonus I've also come to realize that sometimes I need to let go of people and situations that are NOT in alignment with the path towards growing and realizing my true divinity.  This is not a judgment just a change of direction. I can not own other people's reactions any more than my friends involved in these discoveries should own my questioning my personal value. (This realization doesn't have to do with the main persons involved in my realizations of the night).  

So I was already on the right path!  Go figure!   My intentions are pure.  I hope all of your thoughts are as clear as mine are at this moment.  And I pray that I can keep this perspective and do not defer to my old thought patterns and feel like again, my value is based on anything.  Value is a judgement.  I am divine as a fact.  So are you.  There is nothing that makes you less worthy.

No one involved tried to make me feel less than worthy.  But they helped me release from the attachment of their approval.

My friends, I am in the springtime of my life and I am seeing life flourishing around me.  I see us all walking our own paths, one step at a time discovering the greater truth and realizing our wholeness.  We are blessed with the sensations, emotionally and physically that help pull us to learn from our experiences and to see how we are all here to help one another's growth.

Thanks, you guys.  You've helped me so much and I am left to go back to sleep knowing that I'm on my right path.  I hope we can find our footing once again and continue on a path of congruence.

Blessed be.

1 comment:

ElleBelle said...

Beautiful! Wow. Beautiful! I wish I had the gift of the written word. I actually wrote a very free flowing THOUGHT letter to my therapist before coming to CA that mirrored this letter in the aspect of coming to the realization that I am actually on the RIGHT path. Yay us. Wow. And this evening my pineal that has been slowly awakening more and more to the synchronisities going on.... Got a huge, how shall I say.... BOOST or LIFT tonight in my physical reality. Like the cosmos opened up. I am so happy. I am so excited about this new exciting time. Wow. A week ago I was skeptical for a minute about the shift. Not any longer. So many new experiences have completely helped open my conscienceness up to a level I never thought possible. I am even having an easier time of understanding some analytical things... Trip. So this whole woo woo lifestyle I have been living for so many years has actually helped me open up my annalytical way of thinking as well. Trip out!!!!! It's all becoming so clear to me.... So stoked about the future. On the 24th of April... When I perged a buncha old thoughts and pattrns... It totally beyond flipped my shit put to begin with... But had I not became so fearful and skeptical of the way humanity seemed to be headed in that perticular moment.... I wouldn't have grasped the bigger picture these last few days. I so completely adore you!!!!! I am so thankful that you are in my life. I knew you were a fellow starseed. <3 Love and Light, Ellie