Saturday, May 26, 2012

Strength

There's a sunny haze in my eyes. You see my heavy heart and you, my hero, you sweep me up and whisk me away. You have no idea how amazing you are. Not many would understand, and you don't either. But most wouldn't be so kind. Most would turn away. But you love me. You hold me still while my emotions, generally unfounded and the surrounding circumstances typically imagined, throw me into a scene befitting the drama of a teenage girl. Writhing and weeping inside, the emotional equivalent of a dust devil spinning wildly and crashing to the ground only to repeat this feat as often as the wind blows. You see my still, quiet form and somehow you know what's going on inside. Your patience astounds me. Your kind heart amazes me. I love you. I appreciate you. For more than 10 years now, you are my knight in shining armor.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

a letter

Tell me you love me.
Tell me you need me.
Tell me I mean the world to you.


Tell me I'm precious.
Tell me I'm smart.
Absolutely tell me that I am right.


Tell me I'm worth holding.
Tell me I deserve a kiss.
Reassure me that I'll learn from my mistakes.


Tell me I'm worth touching.
Tell me I'm funny.
Tell me that I'm perfect the way I am.

Be gentle with my heart.  Whisper kind words in my ear.  Never treat me poorly.  Never say unkind things about me.  Never hurt me.

I forgive you for your past transgressions.  I forgive your lack of love.  I forgive your past abuses.  You'll never run out of chances.  Tomorrow is a new day.  And I'll give you the space to love me right.  Yes, tomorrow is a new day.


I bet you thought that was TO someone.. Yeah, it was.. it was to me.  I'm so willing to give these things to other people but how can I when I can't even give them to myself.

Good lord this is a powerful journey!  I amaze and terrify myself.  I need to stab being timid in the chest because it does the world no good.  I need to open up my powerful self and fall in love with me.  And you know what?  You deserve it too.  I bet you believe I should love myself, right?  Why shouldn't you love yourself too?

In the land of the addicted

Americans aren't exactly known for moderation.  As much as I would love to believe that I'm immune I have my own obsessive and addictive behaviors.  I think so many of us do it's just identifying what it is.

I think the general idea is that we find something that makes us feel good and we just overdo it.  Suzie feels good when she shops, so she shops all the time much to the detriment of her wallet.  Frank likes food so he eats obsessively and becomes obese.  Mary Ann likes how pills make her feel, so she pops them.. over and over again.  These are all obvious ones.. but even the least "addictive" peoples will find something to obsess on in order to seek out those good feelings eventually depending on them.

Why do we become obsessive?  We are pleasure seekers.  I think we find little things that give us pleasure for a moment which is wonderful and often perfectly healthy.  It's when we decide we need to reproduce that pleasurable feeling without understanding why we're no longer feeling good in the first place.

I've recently found myself in a situation where I want to obsess and replicate the amazing feelings I've been having.  The great feelings have been a gift and there is not a thing wrong with them.  But on occasion I start feeling the panicky feeling that those good feelings are at risk.  Instead of letting it lie, which is the healthy thing to do I start obsessing.  In my obsessing comes my feelings of inadequacy and feeling that I don't deserve good things.  This is not me.  This is my bad programming.

When I look in my heart I know I have every right to these good feelings and other good feelings as well.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying the joy that different situations give us.  They are gifts in this lifetime and we SHOULD enjoy them.  But the problems arise when we see them as validation.  When they're not around in any given moment, then we start wondering if the lack of joy from that thing being absent is a reflection of what we really deserve.  And many of us believe we deserve nothing.

I have a friend who's pleasure seeking vise is sex.  No, it's not me.  By all means, I enjoy sex but this isn't my thing.  This person sees someone wanting to have sex with him as proof that he has value.  The problem lies in when the sex is over he no longer has proof that he has value.  Then the obsessive side comes in.  Thinking about it all the time.  Wanting it all the time.  Seeking it out.

Sex in itself is not bad.  It is a gift to us.  We are spirits who have decided that being housed in these forms would help us grow, develop and experience marvelous things.  So much amazing sensation out there.  We ARE sensual beings.  Do you think we should feel bad to enjoy the world we live in?  Take pleasure in life  just don't define yourself by outside stimuli.

There is no judgement in these vices.  They have their own benefits and drawbacks but that isn't a judgement.  It's just what it is.  Wonderful stimuli shouldn't be avoided either.  Pleasure should not be avoided.  It's our feelings about ourselves that create the imbalance.

Where IS the balance?  Where is the line between doing things, experiencing things that are enjoyable and obsessive pleasure seeking?

I'm still working on figuring that out for myself.  I can tell you what I'm trying to do for now though.  I'm trying to enjoy the pleasurable moments when they're there and really just trying to stay in a place of gratitude and presence when they're not.  It's not always easy.  But I recognize the dysfunction in the thoughts when I start thinking it is a reflection of deserving.  I've been making a concerted effort to ground, release and then ask for peace, guidance, presence and perspective from the Divine.  It really does work.  Also, I try to find something else that I should be doing.. Because there's always plenty of THAT to go around, right? ;)

I don't have it all figured out but this was what was swimming around my head this morning and decided it needed to fall out of my brain and onto the internets.  So yeah... there we go!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Geek and Sundry

Now, if you're reading this you should have at least heard of The Guild and Felicia Day.  Well, Felicia Day has a new YouTube channel called Geek and Sundry.  She has a whole bunch of stuffs on there.  Flog, action comics, Wil Wheaton, book reviews and more!

Now go, watch.
http://geekandsundry.com/

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Year Ago

A year ago we said goodbye to a dear friend of mine, Tony Prather.  Some of you may remember the post I made about it.

Tony remains an inspiration in my life.  I still can close my eyes and remember his hugs.  I loved the smile he'd give me and feel lucky to have had him in my life.  I miss our talks about philosophy and those of Nadine's ass (of which, he frequently reminded me, he was a fan).  How could you NOT fall in love with Tony?   I loved his love of literature and his desire to seek out spirituality.  I loved our ways of really hitting on the truth and calling one another on our bullshit.  Real friends can do this in such way that you don't feel defensive, but instead feel loved.  Tony had this skill in spades.  He made me feel sexy while maintaining that Nadine was his goddess.  If you ever wanted to see true love you just needed to look in their eyes.

I'm still honored to have been the one that married Tony and Nadine.  It still blows me away that they asked me to perform the ceremony.  It has been a true gift to have been part of their put together family.  And there are no doubts that that's just what we were.  Family.


It's been a hard year for all who loved him.  Of course especially hard on Nadine.  I've seen the ups and the downs and often have seen the smile on her face trying to mask the hurt in her heart.  It's true that it is it takes courage to love what death can touch.  And for those of you who know Nae, you know she truly has such a courageous heart.  Remember, sweetheart, there is strength in vulnerability.  You have to be strong to be able to show that someone has touched the tender places of your soul.
I looked up to him.. literally

So again.  A year later.  How is it that the world keeps spinning in it's normal fashion?  Well, it does.  But today my world will pause for a moment while I look at a little bit of love in the artwork Tony gave me.  I will close my eyes and remember how he touched my life and the lives of others.  He was an amazing friend, a loving husband and a fabulous father.


Rest for now, we will see you in the blink of an eye.  'Til then I'll occasionally pick up some sort of Yoda memorabilia and think of you (I even have a Yoda hat now!).  You continue to inspire.  Your memory lives on, Tony.  You are loved.  You are missed. You're still my Yoda.

Jealousy = Feelings of Inadequacy

No, it's really true.  When does jealousy NOT stem from feelings of inadequacy?  Fear of not being enough?  I'd LOVE to know because I certainly haven't seen it.

The last several months have been, for me, about feeling worthy.  I've battled old ideas.  Things I came up with as a child that are no longer valid.  Beliefs that I was not worth protecting.  Not worth dealing with during the day.  Not worth noticing.  Not worth being around.  Not worth having as a mother.  Do we see a pattern?

I'm not accepting these old tapes.  I'm not letting it lie.  I'm working on it.  I'm seeing a counselor who is helping me with EMDR treatments to help with these issues (and a couple others).  It only makes sense that I'm manifesting situations where I have to deal with these worthiness issues.  When I can get out of my head I see the truth that I have just as much value as anyone  and we are all amazing, blessed creatures.  But too often I stay in my head and flip out coming up with scenarios where everything is just a reflection of my lack of value.  Like living life as a hammer.  Everything is a nail.  I'm making a concerted effort now, after initial fallout (oh, hopefully I'll nip the fallout in the bud too), to really see how I'm freaking out only by my own image of myself.  That image is illusion.

So, I'm doing what I can now to hold steady, release the negative back into the earth to be filtered out energetically and receive guidance and comfort from the divine.  No more candy wrapper syndrome for THIS girl!  I am willing to release.  I'm willing to receive.  Thank you for my healing.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

non specific bigness

It's not about any one person, or any one situation.  It's really pretty vague.. it's about me.. It's about me and my big feelings.  My ginormous feelings that won't fit in my chest.  I'm often worried that I will scare all my friends and family away with my bigness.


Sometimes it's tempting to withdraw or try to hide these big feelings.  Sometimes it's tempting to just try and run away.  But the love of life and the intensely good big parts (the lows have their consorts too), they keep me going.  They keep me wanting more.  So every day my Leo Moon puts me out there.  I show a little bit of my soul and I beg that it be cared for by those who view it.  It's sometimes ugly and mean.  But sometimes it's big and beautiful and the biggest love you'll ever experience.  Still amazed so many of my loved ones are hanging in there.  I'm grateful.  Thanks for loving all my parts.


Love, me

Not until I had been wanted by someone else did I realize that getting that desire fulfilled didn't fix what was hurting.  I was longing to love, respect and cherish myself.

It's a whole new road, and one less traveled by most.  We, as a society, tend to seek love and attention from others to fill us up.  By all means, I absolutely cherish those in my life who have lifted me up and find value in me.  But it's not until you see your own value that we can break free of the illusion that we are anything other than whole.

Today I rise from my bed, the sunshine falling upon me, and I smile into the heavens.  Thank you, Divine for directing me towards this bliss.  I am whole.  The only thing standing in my way of happiness is my belief (sometimes enforced by others and their own insecurities) that I am anything other than I am.  I am great because I'm part of this world that is already perfect, we just need to stop convincing it otherwise... I need to stop convincing myself otherwise.

Thank you.

And a special thank you to my friends who have no problem setting me straight, calling me on my shit and loving me more when I don't have the strength to love myself.  Thank you for the reminders.

Friday, May 11, 2012

markers in time

I should have an 19 year old.
I should have a 7 year old.
I should have a 6 year old.
I should have a 5 year old.
I should have a 1 year old.
I should have a 8 month old.

Guess what.  I don't.  Instead I know children around me who serve as living, breathing markers in time of how old my children should be.  Instead I have a uterus that is still weeping for the babies it couldn't hold.  Weeping?  Maybe more like sobbing.  Like every hour I'm running to the bathroom.  This isn't lining anymore.  This is blood.  Blood blood bloody blood.

I appreciate the one I have but I feel terrible that he longs for a sibling and has a mother who is falling apart.  Really, far more the latter.  We all have disappointments.  He'll have to deal with them eventually.

Can't give my husband a baby, either.  Yeah, that feels awesome.  

It's hard believing in the fact there's a purpose in everything.  Where the fuck is the purpose in not only taking my babies away but having me bleed like this?  WHERE IS THE FUCKING SENSE?

I'm so tired of having a broken heart.  I'm so sick of grief.  I really live in my moments of happy but sometimes the hurt overshadows the rest.  Today is one of those days and I'm so fucking done with it.

I can't blame the masses for avoiding me and my fucking pain.  I commend those who do hang out.  But I don't get it, for sure.  I'm toxic right now.  

Thank Goddess that I'm getting a healing today.  It cannot come fast enough.  I will be working with a healer that I trust more than I can express.  But it's hard to believe that I can receive healing.  It's hard to believe that there is more to life than the grief I've always known.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Witness

Don't try to understand. I don't understand. please just hold the space.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Joy!

Even with the newly revived sad, my life is still filled with joy!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Ugly

I created a painting today.  It was ugly.  I mean, aesthetically NOT pleasing.  It was an anatomically correct heart wrapped by a umbilical cord with a old fashioned pad lock snapped on.  It is weird.

 

Recently my heart broke right open.  I came back to life.  But waiting in the corner was this ugly little beast that tormented me before I shut it down before.  I slept for 7 months.  I wasn’t ok when I got out of bed.. I just decided that I needed to get out of bed.  So I stuffed it all away, locked it up, and shut it down.  But with a smile and a kind word I realized I still had a heart.  I realized it still functioned.  I should have known better.  That bastard was lurking, just waiting for me to snap out of it and revisit that room.

 

Today I sobbed my heart out.  I just cried and cried and cried.  I’d still be crying right now if I didn’t have to work.  I am just SO FUCKNG sad!

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly everyone seems to hold their crazy together so well and why I can’t.  I suppose it’s just that whole “passionate person” thing.  I don’t feel anything mildly.  I’m luke warm about nearly nothing.  To be myself.  To be my true, passionate, authentic self, I have to let myself feel how I need to feel.  Right now it’s just sad.

 

But hey, if you find a manual that tells the secrets on how to “get over” things let me know (not really, I’m sure they’re books.  But they all just boil down to “hey, jackass.  You have to process!”


Sunday, May 06, 2012

Space

It has not escaped my attention that I've used clean laundry to fill the empty space in my bed.

But know I recognize that I'm blessed enough to have someone to fill it in just over 2 weeks.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Good lord

I reread so many of my entries.. They're so much about fertility and miscarriage.  How fucking depressing.  I started getting down on myself for so blatantly obsessing about babies.  But then I thought about it.  It's an ongoing story.  And no, I don't think about it *all* of the time.  But I'm always getting my reminders of the persons missing.

Oh, this all came out about love songs.  It seems like a great deal of sad love songs can be applied to fertility challenges.

And I have a hard time applying the same kindness to myself that I gift to others.  I am often criticizing myself for still mourning.  But I just thought about it.  If I knew someone else who had been through a grand total of 6 miscarriages I think I'd cut her a little slack.  I guess I should cut me a little slack.  It's going to come back.  And as for the entries.. well, think of the time it took to write several blog entries... It is not representative of my days.  There are a great many days where I think very little about babies, pregnancies and fertility.  I have a very full life with great friends and family and a pretty good deal in general.

But hey, Johanna, it's okay to be sad sometimes.  And if you get sad again later, that's okay too.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Truest Self

Thank you Beltane for showing the birth of a new me.  I am a child of the earth, after all.

Tonight I had an ultimately challenging emotional experience.  But I am coming through it with great joy and gratitude, so very sincerely.  I am absolutely elated to really break through some huge hurdles.  I have truly grasped some concepts in the very last hour that have birthed a new dawn.

Just like when a child sort of understands the concepts of reading and can sound out a handful of words. They're not a full fledged "reader" yet.. but then one day it really clicks.  There is no turning back and even if they need to work with the concept for a while longer they have moved beyond a trigger point that will lead to a lot easier of a transition as they gain their reading skills...  This is what I've done.

I've been trying to really grasp the concept of letting other people have influence on my feelings and only now do I really see that these are just my own reactions to my own perceived traits in which I am insecure of.  I knew the general concept of letting others choose our feelings but it still hadn't "clicked".  Well, tonight, it has.

I encountered a very unique emotional blow.  But the thing was that the only one who was to blame was me.  NO, I'm not to blame for the situation (nor is anyone. This a been an experience of growth, as all experiences are. We're living what we know and trying to figure out what we should be doing)  but I was to blame for the hurt I was letting myself go through.  Why?  This is not me being self deprecating or self-loathing.  In fact, quite the opposite.

My actions for the last couple weeks have been very consciously derived from my desire to follow the true path of my heart.  To follow the path in alignment with my higher self and the Divine.  I have a great sense of accomplishment in knowing that every thing I have done up to this point has come from a loving place and an inner truth. I have "let go and let God" probably more honestly and in such truth that I have never experienced in my life.

It has been an honor to feel such things.  To act from a genuine place inside of myself.  There have been moments of old programming coming into play but those incidences were few and far between.

A personal situation occurred where my energies and the energies of others were jumbled up creating a type of dissonance.  I've learned, courtesy of my dear friend, Judy, that sometimes you have to use that dissonance as a way to break up the stagnant energy and move through to a more flowing energy.  The dissonance is a gift to help us grow. Forcing movement lest we become stagnant.

I felt a tightness and a confusion.. mostly confusion.  I wept for a moment.  But I knew as I cried that it was a good... a BLESSED thing I was experiencing and the tears brought with it some of the most beautiful growth possible.  I was filled with awe and gratitude.  The situation had started where I was learning about how jealousy was really just a form of dysfunction of my own self esteem.  then I was felt the insecurities of others and wanting to help them see their wholeness. Also wanted to create space where they could learn why they did not need to derive their own value on the actions of others. That self esteem is really just a concept of how we've learned to value ourselves based on other people's interactions with us.  A concept that is not real.

It hit me.. I have been gauging my value as a human being as a direct reflection of what I could offer.  I derived my own self worth on other people's dysfunctions.  I offered myself to my mother as a prized possession to take out and to prove she had something of value, only to be put away when I was not useful.  She didn't believe she had value beyond her wonderful boys and darling daughter.  She derived her own self worth through us. My abuser derived his own value from the sexual love he felt through me.  What I got from that situation was reassurance that it was what I could offer that proved my value.  The effects of this were not done TO me.. they were a side effect of other people just trying to figure out their own place in the world and to feel whole... (but remember, we already are, we just have the illusion of unwholeness clouding our eyes.)  So, I created my own negative programming simply as a byproduct of their own imagined self worth.  But as we move on we grow and the next cycle of programming put on others because of our own drama will be less than that of those who precede us.  We will take on less of other people's dysfunctions.  This is how we change the world.  Raising the vibration one notch at a time.

I have reinforced this belief system in myself for years.  Bad relationships.  What I could offer was a way I was proving my worth.  I would humiliate myself and allowed others to treat me in a way that would just help reinforce my beliefs of myself.  I've created in others actions that they would have otherwise not done.  I manifested the proof of my belief that I had no value outside of what I could offer.

So in the situation I encountered tonight I, add a knee jerk reaction, felt this hurt.  In analyzing it I realized that I was sad not that the event had taken place (I was still more confused than anything, being half asleep, which was a blessing that my mind had not fully engaged) but I was sad because I thought it was a direct reflection for not having offered enough.  But I reviewed the tape. The overwhelming fact of it all was just that I had connected repeatedly, grounding, releasing, and asking for the divine good and a desire to enjoy the physical life I've been given while creating a safe space for others to grow in a loving and supportive place.  I asked the Divine over and over for assistance in following the right path, the one most congruent with the best intentions for my path and the paths of those involved.

The realization?  I had done nothing wrong.  The dissonance was not a direct reflection of my value in any shape or form.  It was people's journey to find where they fit in.  To find their own value.  If I could, I would offer the same realization that their value is not dependent on how others feel about them and what they can offer.  I see them as whole but just unaware of how beautiful they are.

As a bonus I've also come to realize that sometimes I need to let go of people and situations that are NOT in alignment with the path towards growing and realizing my true divinity.  This is not a judgment just a change of direction. I can not own other people's reactions any more than my friends involved in these discoveries should own my questioning my personal value. (This realization doesn't have to do with the main persons involved in my realizations of the night).  

So I was already on the right path!  Go figure!   My intentions are pure.  I hope all of your thoughts are as clear as mine are at this moment.  And I pray that I can keep this perspective and do not defer to my old thought patterns and feel like again, my value is based on anything.  Value is a judgement.  I am divine as a fact.  So are you.  There is nothing that makes you less worthy.

No one involved tried to make me feel less than worthy.  But they helped me release from the attachment of their approval.

My friends, I am in the springtime of my life and I am seeing life flourishing around me.  I see us all walking our own paths, one step at a time discovering the greater truth and realizing our wholeness.  We are blessed with the sensations, emotionally and physically that help pull us to learn from our experiences and to see how we are all here to help one another's growth.

Thanks, you guys.  You've helped me so much and I am left to go back to sleep knowing that I'm on my right path.  I hope we can find our footing once again and continue on a path of congruence.

Blessed be.