Monday, April 16, 2012

Ugly Truth

So, I've realized some stuff surrounding the depression I've been dealing with, honestly, for a year and a half now.  I've been going to counseling to rewire my silly malfunctioning brain.  It's working.  Also, I've been working with several healers to ease my way through past trauma.  I recently had a powerful meditation and I feel it really peeled a whole new layer of issues away.  Of course what you see after you do that is nearly always the same.  You reveal more things that need to be worked on.  A new pile-o-shit.  Well, the newly revealed shit pile was the realization that I'm still depressed.   You're shocked, I know.  Hard to believe.  I think it's sort of funny (in that ironic, lame way) that I hadn't realized it. Yeah.  Depressed.  Counselor even said, "Yeah, you're depressed."

 I looked depression up in my "Heal Your Body" app on my phone (has FAR more "dis-eases" than the physical book).  It says the probable cause of depression is "Anger you feel you do not have a right to have. Hopelessness."  Blew me away.  Struck a note for sure.

I'm angry about my miscarriages.  I'm angry that I know I would try so hard to nurture a new baby while I see people neglecting their children in so many ways.  I'm angry that so many people take for granted that their bodies seem to receive embryos with the greatest of ease.  I'm angry that this one thing I want the most, to expand my family, seems so far out of my reach. I'm angry that people don't seem to understand my not wanting to do fertility treatments with an RE.  I'm angry that I'm not willing to do those treatments (still doesn't feel right for me).  I'm angry that I don't get to do the whole hand-me-down thing.  I'm angry that no one makes hand knitted gifts for my baby (didn't receive any for Marsh when he was a baby).  I'm angry that so many others are pregnant right now and I am not. I'm angry.

They all feel like asshole ideas which is why I don't feel like I have a right to feel those things.  I feel like if I even try to express them that I have to add disclaimers.  Yes, I know I have a child already when others will never know that feeling.  I know that no one's life is "easy".  I know that everyone has their battles and sure, maybe they can conceive and carry easily but they have their own life challenges.  We all do, it's part of being human.  I know that I am not a perfect mother and I wouldn't be a perfect mother to an additional child.  But all of this is logical.  These feelings are not logical.

I don't know what to do with these feelings.  But I'm learning over and over that I shouldn't necessarily "do" anything.  I'll just keep plodding along on my journey to possible motherhood.

And sincerely.  Even if I never get another child I really do believe the journey has been worth it.  I've grown so much and continue to do so.