Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Far too late to be thinking so much

My eyes are burning.  I've stayed up much too late.  I just *had* to finish the back of the baby sweater that I'm making for a friend's baby shower about a week and a half away.  I didn't finish the back.  Four more inches and I move on to the shoulder/neck then the front, then the arms, seam and voila!  Sounds lovely, right?

Well, as I work the stitches I'm battling jealousy and grief.  Really, the jealousy is because of the grief.  It's because of my own feelings of inadequacy.  Ugh.  So as I've been knitting, I'm blessing this little being who will be born before you know it.  The needles click, click, click and my heart aches for all the babies that have not come to be.  I'm adding the stripes to the sweater and feeling fearful that I will never get to parent another little one.  My little one is so big now.

Since my healing I still do not feel the desperation I felt before.  I'm thankful for this.. The only negative feeling surrounding it has been just this ugly jealousy and grief.  Ugh.

Sincerely, if I never welcome another child into my home (by whatever means) then I honestly feel this journey has been worth it.  It has caused me to grow SO very much.

Oh, Powers that Be, I'm ready for the next stage.  I want to feel the intense joy that I once felt (and was blessed by) when I had my son.  I know that may be greedy but man, I just feel there's someone missing.

Click, click, click.  The sweater is big.  I'm not even sure when this currently unborn babe will get to wear it.  But I hope I get a picture of her wearing it.  There is so much of me in every stitch.  Every heartache, every joy, every loss and so much love and exhilaration and absolutely, so very, very much hope.

This sweater represents so much of that hope.  I hope it comes through more than anything else.  Hope for the future.  Hope for a life full of fulfillment and contentment.  Full of love for life.  Full of just plain ole love, in abundance.  And warmth that translate to the comfort I send with it.

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