Sunday, February 05, 2012


For quite a long time I had this feeling of desperation over having another child.  The feeling felt like it wasn't mine.  Hard to explain how but it was like so much of my emotion was okay with just the journey with the hopes of having another child.  Sincerely.  The desperation was not mine.  Well, I had the most amazing healing session the other day.  It was about how I was holding someone else's energy in my second chakra (reproductive and creative energies, my friends).  This person had longed for another child in all of my memories.  So, when I had my healing, the healer, Nancy Rebecca, was able to move this other person's spirit out of my second chakra.  I shit you not, I felt the desperation leave.  Seriously.  What I'm left with feels right.  I still desire the baby but in so much of a "this is a pure desire."  It no longer is something to fix me, or heal old wounds.  I realized that this person had been longing for me to have a baby so much because she never got that new baby.  And I came away with the understanding that she wanted that new baby because she longed, deeply, to be loved.  It was all about reparenting and also having a new person who is a new chance at someone loving her.  That's not mine.  Not a day goes by that I doubt that my parents love me.  I was always loved and wanted.  I wish that that person could have had it too.

I did feel one negative feeling that still hovers around there.. it's a twofold thing.  Jealousy (manifesting often as judgement of others) which stems from sadness.  I'm still sad over lost babies and still have a hard time believing that I could be graced with another child.  Nancy had said something about believing I would have this child and I just cried.  She said the sweetest thing, that she would hold the belief for both of us.  God, I want to cry thinking about it right now.  It's so hard to want to get my hopes up again but being terrified that I'll be let down again.

I'm not doing so great at the meditation at the designated times (in the morning and before bed)... but I try to take a few moments throughout the day to work on them.  It starts with grounding.  Once grounded I imagine the source of my feminine energy (slighly right of where my left leg bone meets my pelvis).. I imagine a bulb growing from there.. originally Nancy suggested a daffodil.. but I imagine an iris.  It grows upward.  On the opposite side is the masculine energy.  This one changes too.. I haven't decided what plant it is.. Right now it is nettle.  Very robust plant, with so much nutrition and medicine and needing to be taken seriously.  Lovely plant.  But, no not a bulb.  What do you do....   Then in the center, growing right up the middle of me is my creativity channel.  It keeps changing also.  My favorite to imagine is maidenhair fern.  One of my favorite plants.. let it grow right up my middle and cascade out over my head.  :D

A big part of the chakra balancing was also this "candy wrapper" thing.. basically I wasn't grounding, seeking assistance from the earth.. and up above, I wasn't seeking assistance from the divine.  The "I'll do it myself" syndrome.  Yeah, guilty.  I remember during my church going days saying "Just let me work this out, God.  Then I'll give it to you."  Not much has changed.  I just feel like I'm weak when I get help from others.  It's hard for me to not just do the "okay, if you tell me how to do it myself I'll do it myself," thing.  I'm really working on asking for help and receiving it graciously.  Oh, such a difficult lesson.

There's more.. Lots more.. Others in my 2nd chakra as well as the person described above.  Other baggage.  The healing was amazing!  I would recommend it to anyone (everyone!).  I just hope I don't have to wait too long until I can get another.  I'm certain I could use it.

Soon I hope to post some geek love.. especially if I get brave enough to hack my Vibrant.  The thing is working less than awesomely as of late.  'Til next time.

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