Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Mimi

I have this small, furry best friend who has helped me through so very many hard times. She is funny and weird and smarter than I'd like.

I figured with the vacuuming earlier in the day and the constant running of the HEPA filter my bedroom should be ok to sleep in. I tried to sleep with a mask but it didn't work. I made sure I took my asthma medicine.

I tossed and turned all night. Awoke rather suddenly when I was having acute asthma symptoms. Asthma attack? Gasping, wheezy breaths, coughing, more gasping, tight chest. Ran into the living room with my pillow. Threw a sheet on the couch, changed my pillowcase and fetched a cat free blanket. Exhausted and still trying to control my breath I tried to rest.

Broken is my heart that twice I've had to shoo my Karma kitty away.  Now my chest hurts in another way. She has no understanding of what's going on. She has no idea why I won't let her snuggle me.

I'm so at a loss.

Monday, December 17, 2012

life keeps going... sort of.

Yes, it's 6 AM and I'm awake.  It's been a rough night.  I tossed and turned.  Every time I moved, Karma, my sweet orange tabby, has headed for the head of my bed and started crying and trying to rub her face on mine.  This may seem like a sweet gesture but it's literally suffocating me right now.

It's been a while now since I've written.  My life mainly consists of working, sleeping, eating and the occasional visit from my child or to a friend or two.  There has been virtually no room for anything else.  This includes dishes.

The dishes.  They are out of control.  When I first moved in here I did not lament not having a dishwasher one bit.  I still don't, really.  What I have a hard time with is that typically my day is that I get up as late as I can because I'm so, incredibly tired.  I shower, I dress, I go to work.  Lately, often, that means simply crossing the living room to my desk that holds my work computer.    I tell myself that when I'm done with work I'll do dishes.  But when I'm done I just can't do much other than stare at the TV for a while before I go to bed where I often toss and turn.  I'm completely wiped out.

On my weekends off I go get Marshall and spend time with him.  Often those are the only times things get done, much to his dismay.  "Mom, can't we watch a movie together?"  I'm not saying I don't do that when he's here but there is so much catch up with firsts then we get to play.  Any other days off seem to be eaten up by running errands, things I've promised either myself or someone else I'll handle, or doctor's visits.

Doctor's visits.  There have been far too many of those as of late.

This is where I make the disclaimer that I have friends and acquaintances who are dealing with FAR worse than I am.  I do not even try to pretend that my issues are more important than all the horrific things some of the people I love have to deal with either with their health or the health of the ones they love.

But I won't invalidate my own experiences.  In my lifetime these recent developments have been some of the most challenging experiences I've dealt with, physically.  Strangely enough, for the most part, emotionally I've been good.  The only time this really, REALLY wears on me is times like now.  When I'm ridiculously over tired.

So last night I tossed and turned and Meems (Karma's nick name) rubbed her dander laden body across my face.  Eventually I pet her.  Scratched behind her ears and under her chin like she loves.  Then I tried to cover my hand and remember if I touched my own face with that hand before washing it I would be in some serious trouble.  Eventually, just being acutely aware of my tainted hand made me get up.  Might as well wash my hands and go to the bathroom, and well, wash my hands again.  I do a lot of hand washing these days.

I lied back down.  More tossing and turning.  I called Brett as I knew he was at work.  "Why are you awake?"  *sigh*  "Go back to sleep."  I hung up and tried to sleep.    My eyes were itching horrifically.  But I knew by the feeling if I didn't use my neti pot to calm my sinuses I would end up with one very red, itchy, swollen eye.  The other one would be pretty pissed off too.  Sinus irrigation.  Better but not awesome.

I then felt compelled to just update.  I don't even think I've really done that yet and I already have a pretty large entry. I also figured it would give me something to do while I wait for the California Poppy tincture to kick in. Good sleepy time stuff.

Okay.  The health stuff.

Well, you all know the 'gina drama.  Me and my cervix are doing fabulous.  The health drama luckily has had nothing to do with my reproductive parts.  In fact, if I get a clean bill of vagina health at the end of next month, Brett and I will get the Gyno's approval to start TTC again.  Yes, we still want to try.

My health crap has consisted of healing from my LEEP, getting a sinus infection that made my eyes swell and itch, getting rid of the sinus infection but my eyes still swelling and itching, catching an ugly head cold, coughing during that cold, coughing after that cold and then by around Thanksgiving I was having problems breathing.  Oh, and on a report from a blood draw we did to see why I was coughing six weeks out from my cold I got this message: "sign of prior cytomegalovirus and ebv (mono infection). None currently."  I had been virus laden.  GO ME!  Perhaps the beginning of the worst part of the fatigue?  Who knows.

The biggest part of what *is* going presently on is allergies.  This sounds benign enough.  Just pop an allergy pill and be done with it, right?  Oh, nothing can be that easy for me.

Apparently, also from my blood work I saw that I am allergic to cats.  Yes, I have a cat.  I know I have always had mild allergies from cats and would thus, bathe Karma monthly to keep dander down.  It's not enough now.  When I moved into this place the former tenants had two cats.  This, plus my, excuse my French, fucked immune system AND having a cat of my own just sent my allergies into over drive.  Diagnosis?  Allergy induced asthma.

In retrospect I was starting to have a couple of the lesser known asthma symptoms before I moved.  Excessive sighing, which sounds funny but I remember often not being able to catch my breath, thus would sigh heavily.  It was a regular conversation between Brett and I:   *SIGH*  Brett, "What's wrong?"  Me, "Huh?  Nothing, I just sighed.  I just needed a breath."  Yeah.   Then the second was increasing incidences of coughing, and no matter how mild it was occasionally my whole respiratory system would get very pissed off and refuse to work.  It was like I was choking on nothing.  Either of these things may have been nothing if it wasn't for what ended up happening.

I often can't breathe.  I feel suffocated.  The doctor put me on Singulair which treats asthma and allergies.  I didn't realize how much it was working until the other night I forgot to take one.  The next morning I couldn't figure out why that tight chest feeling was stronger and my eyes were even itchier than normal.  Then I realized it.  Bah!  Ridiculous.  I'm annoying myself with all this crap.  Oh, the albuterol inhaler?  Doesn't seem to help but does, however, make me feel annoyingly jittery. I'm still doing the thing where I cough, sometimes one teeny cough, and then I'm not able to breathe for a few seconds.  I've learned when I cough I purposely hold my breath for a couple seconds while my respiratory system calms down.  Works like a charm most of the time.  When I don't do that it's a wonderful time of red faced choking and attempts at gasping (no air comes in at all, though)  Also, the last couple of days I've vaporized mint leaves and am amazed at how much it opens my airways!  Peppermint is great for asthma.  Ma huang is even better but the meth addicts ruined it for everyone in the US.  Thanks, btw.

In effect, I'm allergic to my apartment but I'm too tired to clean it enough where I could try to rent a shampooer.  Plus, housekeeping isn't exactly my forte.  I know I have friends who would help but I don't want to ask that of them.  Especially because I'd be expected to clean too and all I want to do is sleep.  I really would like like three days off just to sleep.  Funny how I need to rest and want to retreat to my home but my home is part of the problem.  What do you do with that?  Side note: I'm running two HEPA filters and it helps, but not enough.

I'm sure when you think of the physical crap it sounds like I must be miserable.  Well, physically I'm drained and I really don't want my eyes to itch and I want to be able to breathe again.  But emotionally?  I'm actually good.  Brett will be home in a matter of days.  In a month he'll be going back to school for a new career (one I think befits him and he will excel).  We got some ugly, hovering debt dealt with (no more collections!) and all and all, I'm pretty happy :)

I miss my boy but value the experiences he is getting.  He and his dad are having to learn how to live together.  They've never had that.  When Marshall is all grown up he'll be able to say he knows what it's like.

But I do miss him.  The kid is a keeper.

I think I'm going to attempt to sleep a bit longer.  Driving into work today.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Thanksgiving

I really am so grateful for so much in my life.  I just wanted to share just a tidbit of that.

I am grateful for my son.  He made me a mother, the only thing I ever knew I wanted to be when I grew up. From the first flutters in my belly to the rushed hug he gave me yesterday, all amazing gifts that I keep getting.  He is smart, sensitive and remarkably funny.  I am SO lucky.

I am grateful for my husband.  This shift we made in our living space, in our careers, in everything, has made room for us to grow together stronger than we were before.  We got our honeymoon period we never got.  Leisurely waking up together.  Snuggling.  Being playful.  Growing not only the love but the friendship as well.

I am grateful for my friends.  They are so very important to me.  They give me the space to grow without judgement.  They love me and support me while I grow.  They have given me oh so much in life.  I am so blessed!

I am grateful for my family.  No matter our crazy, dysfunctional challenges my family truly loves me.  I grew up knowing that no matter what I did, no matter my mistake, that I could go home and I'd still be loved.  Learning experiences do not define you except how you grow from them.  My parents got this.  My brothers tolerated the whiney, bratty little sister whose only wish was for her brothers to like her.  No matter how much I am the weirdo, I know they still love me.  Oh, they don't understand me, but they love me.  

What are you grateful for?

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Make it Better

Today I felt a bit down.  I think it was because typically Marsh is with me on Halloween.  I did call and talk to him and sent him a photo of his pumpkin on the front steps.  He's saving me a butterfinger (he knows I love them but won't buy them as Nestle are immoral a-holes, and yes, they've done jackassery type things even in recent history).

I contemplated not getting out of bed.  As it was I stayed in bed LATE.  Well, the bonus about living above a friend is she invited me to come down and carve pumpkins with her and her boy.  This did wonders to setting my day straight.

Then my friend Jeannie called and wanted help finding a computer.  She was saying "Oh, you don't have to do it now."  Then I told her I'd LOVE to get out of the house.  So we met up at Best Buy and I got to look at all sorts of wonderful gadgetry.  I saw what I want to get Marshie for Christmas, and possibly what I want to get Brett.  I saw a tablet to draw on (not an Android tablet, although I saw those too).  Man the possibilities in art if I had one of them... whew!  Christmas list for me?  Birthday?  *shrug*  Anyway.. I helped my friend pick a computer (she gets it Tuesday and I'll help her set it up) AND I got to geek out.  Yay!  Afterwards we went to the Tacoma Mall where I got to see tons of round faced kids in costume.  Nearly died of the cute.  DIED.

Went home.  Brett wasn't quite home (he had been home but ran to the Met.. he has an addiction) so I hung out with my other downstairs neighbor friend (the other friend's husband).  He just got the Kindle HD but is going to return it for the Nexus 7.  We talked geek fun and nutrition.  Then Brett got home and joined us.  We handed out candy and chatted.

Then Brett and I found some missing items in the basement (like my Nook charger) and headed up to bed.  Lazed about, him on his computer, me playing with my charging Nook.  I tried it once again as a Nook but ended up frustrated with my limitations and put the micro sd card in to reboot it as a tablet.  Definitely want a faster tablet one day.  My phone kicks the Nook's ass.  Did some laundry.  Now I'm sitting up in bed pounding on my keys and the B is beside me snoring.

So..... And update on what's going on...

Brett and I are getting along pretty dang great.  I really think we needed a BIG change and some time together alone (we never got that as I had a 1 year old when we met).  I miss my kiddo, I do.  But I think this time with Brett, to focus on our relationship has been so valuable. Also, I think it's good for Marsh to have this time with his dad, and good for Chris too.  I don't want Marshall to one day be an adult and say he never really lived with his dad (first 3 months don't count) and that Chris never had a chance to live with his son.  I really hope they both cherish it.

I also strongly believe, and I may have mentioned it before, now that I realized Brett's happiness is not my responsibility and my happiness is not Brett's responsibility, we are both taking charge of our OWN happiness and just loving each other.  I wanted Brett to do all this growing.  Well, you know what?  I had to get out of the way and stop running the show.  He has been making so many decisions since then all towards finding out what is going to make him happy.  He quit the job that he's hated for the last something like 7 years.  He hated it since day one.  Hell, when he got the job he sounded so resigned.  Now he's looking at EMT training (I think he would LOVE to do it) and possibly firefighter training (terrifying to me but I'll support him in whatever).  He's going back to ND for now (he's not sure how long he'll do it) on the rotational thing and during that time he's going to try to figure out what he really wants to do.  I have to say it's insanely exciting to see him blossom in such a way.  It just fills my heart with joy.  He is happier.  He is growing.  And he is so much more playful now.  We have been having much fun!

Oh, and since I stopped making him responsible for my happiness I have found it so much easier to find it on my own.  I do have my funks.  If you read my blog you pretty much see all of them as I seem to always write then.  Seriously, for the most part I have been really happy as of late.  I don't let things get me down so much.  I actively seek joy.  I look for the good things that are happening and damn, they are all around me!

I have been totally savoring this time with Brett.  I will miss him so much when he is gone but I will look at it as an opportunity to sort my own stuff out.  To create healthy habits.  To dive into my creativity.  To figure out what *I* want from life.  What feeds my soul?

So, friends.  What makes you happy?  What feeds your soul?

Friday, October 26, 2012

My happy vagina

Again, there was nothing wrong with my vagina. It was my cervix. But vagina is just funnier to me.

Had my follow up yesterday. They did a biopsy with the tissue they took during the LEEP. The top layer had severe pre-cancerous cells. The surgical side of the sample had nothing. This means they got everything. The sample from the remaining cervix was clear as well.

Game plan. I get another pap in 3 months. If everything is still all good I get her blessings to try and conceive again! Yay!

*happy dance*

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not that I'm bitter

Is the reason they charge so much for pathology because they pay someone like $200 an hour to suss out what is on the slide or just because you risk so much if you ignore it? Isn't that preying on those who may be ill?

Is there a reason my insurance doesn't want to cover it? Because 3 sets of of pathology reports is well over a grand. Makes me want to tell them to send me home with my tissue samples. I'll buy a microscope and a book to tell me what the eff I'm looking at.

What would happen if I just never got the physical? It may have gotten much worse but I wouldn't be afraid of going into a doctors office and having them tell me they couldn't help me anymore because of money. It makes me want to refuse any more tests and procedures because I'd rather dump that money into getting my husband's teeth fixed. Or get new tires on my car. Or to pay whatever other bills that have accumulated.

What DOES my insurance cover? Yearly visits just to find out something is wrong so you have to pay crazy amounts of money on further tests and procedures?

I'm really quite fed up with this all and sort of wished I'd never got that physical. I wish I'd never got insurance. Maybe the outcome would have sucked but I wouldn't be poisoning my body with the stress of money and wondering what the hell I'll have to do next.

That is all.

I need some chocolate.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And the world continues to turn

Someone I follow on FB posted the query, when do you feel "safe" starting to collect stuff for a baby?  Do you collect right away?  Do you wait until you're 12 weeks?  14? 20? 30?

It made me realize I feel somewhat resigned and cynical.  I have witnessed so many friends and family get pregnant and have babies.  One after another.  No one suggests we try to get pregnant at the same time anymore.  Thank god for that!  At the same time it feels a little extra sad that even the world at large sees me as a lost cause.

Update on my vagina.  Yeah, my cervix, not my vagina.  Vagina is still funnier.  I go back in for a check up to see how my cervix is healing after the LEEP and to make sure they got everything (all the pre-c cells).  The doc wants me to suspend trying for another beh beh until we get a few clean paps under our belt.  Not exactly getting younger.  This annoys me.  Don't want to be reckless, though.

The desire is still there.  I had this moment of panic when I thought "when am I going to stop having that grain of hope?"  How could I deal if all that hope was gone?  When I hit menopause... or if something less than stellar happened with my cervix... or if my hormones never get sorted out.  What will it mean to no longer have ANY hope of conceiving?

This thought terrifies me.

By all means, if I never have another I'll be okay.  I have an amazing 12 year old who is insightful, thoughtful, smart and very funny (and adorable!).  He made me a mother.  This still boggles my mind.  No matter what he has made me unbelievably happy by choosing me to be his mother (I do believe we make these choices).

I just wasn't done.  I wanted to birth another baby.  I wanted to nurse another baby.  I just hope that if conception isn't possible we can get our act together and pursue adoption.  It's something I wanted to do anyhow.  I just know that things have to change in our life situation (mostly money/debt issues) before we can actively pursue it.  Ugh.  Enough thinking about it.  Sort of hurts my chest.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Full Moon

Yeah, it was last night but I certainly feel the rush of emotions today.

So much has been going on and I've been debating on what to put on here.  It seems certain persons have been reading this blog.  That is okay, it's public.  But what wasn't okay was when that person  used information here to grill my husband about our personal life.

I announced I was diagnosed with HPV.  A simple Google search will tell you that this is an STD.  What this person failed to realize, however, is that it is one that can lie dormant for decades.  It's one that may forever go undiagnosed.  The statistic is that 80% of women will be exposed to HPV by age 50.  That statistic doesn't take into consideration that so many people have it and don't know it.  It's generally only ever diagnosed when a pap comes back weird.

It really should be a non-thing.  No idea where or when I got it.  Could have been from Brett. Could have been from a partner more than a decade ago.  No one could say.  Passing blame and judgement on a shitty diagnosis is really a cruel thing to do by someone who is unhappy and somehow tries to make themselves feel better by making other people unhappy.

Brett and I have been through the wringer lately.  We're at a point where we love each other.  We want to make things work.  But we are trying to figure out what that means to how our relationship will work.

I'm in a new place.  Marshall is living with his dad for the time being.  That one still hasn't fully sunk in.  It's been a week since I've seen him.  THAT is strange for sure.  As much as I cherish the quiet I miss him terribly.  He really is an amazing boy.

Brett isn't sure if he's going to get an apartment of his own or go back to North Dakota.  For now he is here with me in the new place.  If he does get his own place, theoretically it will be temporary.  Give us time just to be still for a moment.  Think about who we are instead of defining ourselves by our relationship.  I hope that will bring us together in a stronger way.

The big realization for me was just seeing how things fell into place haphazardly in our relationship.  We could only see the examples set out for us.  We tried to fit some one else's mold.  Trying desperately to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I really feel the move was necessary.  A way to break everything down to the bare bones of who we are together and start discovering, and then building, what we need together.

We already know we have a very non-traditional relationship.  And as public as a blog is some things are better left private.  But we do love one another.  Even now I look at him, how he looks at me, and I realize, "Wow, this guy really loves me.  He sees all the ugly bits and he loves me anyway."  How fucking lucky am I?

Things still need to change in our relationship.  He needs to ditch the negativity and crappy self talk.  I have a list of a zillion things I need to do.  Don't worry, I'm fully aware.  But I'm seeing now that he needs to find happiness on his own (it's there if you look).  I am here just to love him and bare witness. And he can't be responsible for my happiness.  We both need to learn who we are at the heart of ourselves.  We need to grow.  And that's okay.  Growing is good.

So... The HPV.  I had this thing called LEEP done.  They take some electric wire and slice a layer of my cervix.  It was the lamest place to need it (the canal) and it was pretty severe.  But I likened the procedure to getting a cavity drilled out.  Gotta get the bad stuff out so it doesn't spread.  Then you just have good stuff left over.  I've had a whole bunch of friends who have had it done as well (remember, weirdly common) and have no lasting effects from it.  I was actually startled by exactly HOW many of them said they had dealt with the same thing.

I've had a good four days of doing nothing but knitting and watching True Blood and Big Love. I head back to work tomorrow evening.   Luckily, as it's a phone job I will still be able to take it easy.  I have to avoid heavy lifting for about 3ish weeks and during that time my girl bits are off limits!

I know, it all sounds super exciting, right?

Well, I just HAD to stay up to finish the last episodes of Big Love (I kept having the sneaking suspicion that *someone* had to die).  But now it's bed time.  I have a snugly cat and a husband in my bed and I better get to it... plus I want to get more things organized so when Marshie Pie comes here this upcoming weekend it'll be a lot easier to maneuver.  Yeah, I sure like that kid.

Goodnight.
Blessed Be, friends.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I write

I told a coworker last night that I write. I felt nervous about that. Even more nervous about leading him here.

I think about how much depressing stuff I've written about. How this is my outlet for a whole lot of inner turmoil. How I don't edit myself as much as I could.

Here are my gooey insides.

I've actually been wanting to write more, especially with some large life changes. But I haven't had time with moving and all. Even now I should be getting ready for an appointment but instead I'm laying in bed, playing with my phone.

I'm hoping to write more about my personal experiences but also about my newest geek devices and hippie stuff. I'm hoping I can sidestep depressing stuff and exude pithy entries.

I'll leave you on a depressing note but one I feel compelled to share based on my own experiences of losing 6 babies.

http://lifeandloss.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/miscarriage-and-stillbirth-why-i-hate-those-words/

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Profound

Profound is the experience when you can be thankful for the HPV and dysplasia for giving you the message that you need to nurture and support yourself.

Thank you for the message. Received loud and clear. I have made the changes necessary to move towards some intense self care. So, I no longer need you. Please go away. Now.

My goal is to keep taking care of myself both emotionally and physically and maybe, just maybe I can improve my condition enough by my appointment in a couple of weeks to need very little treatment, if any.

Blessed be, my friends. Blessed be.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Camping?

Yeah, I'm at our picnic bench at a Thousand Trails preserve in Chehalis.  I have both Marshall and my cousin's boy, Aiden.  Two of the most talkative boys I've ever met.  They have one tent, I have another.  We got here rather late last night and it was pretty dark by the time we got both tents set up.

Sleep was very difficult for me last night.  It was hard for all of us to settle down considering we got in so late.  The boys were silent by midnight.  I read until 1am.  I layed there with my eyes closed for more or less 2 hours.  Tossing and turning.  It wasn't discomfort.  I'm pretty smitten with my sleeping bag and pad.  Somehow sleep continued to elude me.  Then of course the boys were up around 5:30, therefore so was I.  I'm going to try to nap for now.  See how I fare trying to take on the day once again a bit later.  I know the whole technology thing is so cheating when it comes to camping but I really like seeking an outlet.  So, here I am.  And by all means, it's not like I'll be filling my whole day playing with my various devices. Two days until we head back home for the day, then back at it for another two nights.

Okay, nap time.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Nook Geekery

Trying to update my Nook Color to run the latest Cyanogenmod stable build.  The fun thing is that when you do this, you have to format your micro SD.  Well, that sounds great in theory but it tries to tell you you have less than 1GB of space no matter how big your card is.  Mine is 16GB.  But I found THIS handy dandy program that does it all without any hard work.  Click HERE for the basic instructions.

So here I am, redoing it all.  We'll see how it goes :D

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Release

I've been going counseling for a few months now.  We're doing EMDR to clear old issues that have been plaguing me for pretty much my whole life.  It's fascinating how it works.  Unlike talk therapy it helps you process years worth of bad programming in a much shorter time.  It's not easy (but far easier than talk therapy) but it's invaluable.  It helps to have a completely AWESOME counselor friend.  And it has been working.  We have three main facets that we've been working on.  We're nearing the end of the first one.  The theme?  The old belief was "I'm worthless."  The new message we're stuffing back in my brain is "I am valuable."  The funny part is how my life has changed since I started all of this.  This is wonderful and amazing and absolutely terrifying!

I've realized some things in my personal relationships that were not supporting the belief that I have value.  These things are crumbling or changing.  This is bringing a sadness I can't describe.  But even through the sadness I can see that I'm on the path to a more fuller life that includes the belief that I deserve.  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve respect.  I deserve to be free to be myself.

I'm sure I'll share what the other two beliefs were about as I start to deal with them.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

moving forward

Things have become increasingly complicated a of late. Brett and I are having some challenges. I have requested that he come home so we can face then head on. So he put in his notice. In two weeks he will come home.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Wax and Wane

Everything has it's time.  Everything comes to an end.  I'm just acutely aware of these things in my life right now.    Not sure where anything is going in my life right now.  I feel like my world is just spinning.  And I'm flailing.  I just need to listen to those messages coming from the Divine (God? Angels? Guides? Rascally rabbits?) and step forward, only focusing on this moment.  So much easier said than done.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Strength

There's a sunny haze in my eyes. You see my heavy heart and you, my hero, you sweep me up and whisk me away. You have no idea how amazing you are. Not many would understand, and you don't either. But most wouldn't be so kind. Most would turn away. But you love me. You hold me still while my emotions, generally unfounded and the surrounding circumstances typically imagined, throw me into a scene befitting the drama of a teenage girl. Writhing and weeping inside, the emotional equivalent of a dust devil spinning wildly and crashing to the ground only to repeat this feat as often as the wind blows. You see my still, quiet form and somehow you know what's going on inside. Your patience astounds me. Your kind heart amazes me. I love you. I appreciate you. For more than 10 years now, you are my knight in shining armor.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

a letter

Tell me you love me.
Tell me you need me.
Tell me I mean the world to you.


Tell me I'm precious.
Tell me I'm smart.
Absolutely tell me that I am right.


Tell me I'm worth holding.
Tell me I deserve a kiss.
Reassure me that I'll learn from my mistakes.


Tell me I'm worth touching.
Tell me I'm funny.
Tell me that I'm perfect the way I am.

Be gentle with my heart.  Whisper kind words in my ear.  Never treat me poorly.  Never say unkind things about me.  Never hurt me.

I forgive you for your past transgressions.  I forgive your lack of love.  I forgive your past abuses.  You'll never run out of chances.  Tomorrow is a new day.  And I'll give you the space to love me right.  Yes, tomorrow is a new day.


I bet you thought that was TO someone.. Yeah, it was.. it was to me.  I'm so willing to give these things to other people but how can I when I can't even give them to myself.

Good lord this is a powerful journey!  I amaze and terrify myself.  I need to stab being timid in the chest because it does the world no good.  I need to open up my powerful self and fall in love with me.  And you know what?  You deserve it too.  I bet you believe I should love myself, right?  Why shouldn't you love yourself too?

In the land of the addicted

Americans aren't exactly known for moderation.  As much as I would love to believe that I'm immune I have my own obsessive and addictive behaviors.  I think so many of us do it's just identifying what it is.

I think the general idea is that we find something that makes us feel good and we just overdo it.  Suzie feels good when she shops, so she shops all the time much to the detriment of her wallet.  Frank likes food so he eats obsessively and becomes obese.  Mary Ann likes how pills make her feel, so she pops them.. over and over again.  These are all obvious ones.. but even the least "addictive" peoples will find something to obsess on in order to seek out those good feelings eventually depending on them.

Why do we become obsessive?  We are pleasure seekers.  I think we find little things that give us pleasure for a moment which is wonderful and often perfectly healthy.  It's when we decide we need to reproduce that pleasurable feeling without understanding why we're no longer feeling good in the first place.

I've recently found myself in a situation where I want to obsess and replicate the amazing feelings I've been having.  The great feelings have been a gift and there is not a thing wrong with them.  But on occasion I start feeling the panicky feeling that those good feelings are at risk.  Instead of letting it lie, which is the healthy thing to do I start obsessing.  In my obsessing comes my feelings of inadequacy and feeling that I don't deserve good things.  This is not me.  This is my bad programming.

When I look in my heart I know I have every right to these good feelings and other good feelings as well.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying the joy that different situations give us.  They are gifts in this lifetime and we SHOULD enjoy them.  But the problems arise when we see them as validation.  When they're not around in any given moment, then we start wondering if the lack of joy from that thing being absent is a reflection of what we really deserve.  And many of us believe we deserve nothing.

I have a friend who's pleasure seeking vise is sex.  No, it's not me.  By all means, I enjoy sex but this isn't my thing.  This person sees someone wanting to have sex with him as proof that he has value.  The problem lies in when the sex is over he no longer has proof that he has value.  Then the obsessive side comes in.  Thinking about it all the time.  Wanting it all the time.  Seeking it out.

Sex in itself is not bad.  It is a gift to us.  We are spirits who have decided that being housed in these forms would help us grow, develop and experience marvelous things.  So much amazing sensation out there.  We ARE sensual beings.  Do you think we should feel bad to enjoy the world we live in?  Take pleasure in life  just don't define yourself by outside stimuli.

There is no judgement in these vices.  They have their own benefits and drawbacks but that isn't a judgement.  It's just what it is.  Wonderful stimuli shouldn't be avoided either.  Pleasure should not be avoided.  It's our feelings about ourselves that create the imbalance.

Where IS the balance?  Where is the line between doing things, experiencing things that are enjoyable and obsessive pleasure seeking?

I'm still working on figuring that out for myself.  I can tell you what I'm trying to do for now though.  I'm trying to enjoy the pleasurable moments when they're there and really just trying to stay in a place of gratitude and presence when they're not.  It's not always easy.  But I recognize the dysfunction in the thoughts when I start thinking it is a reflection of deserving.  I've been making a concerted effort to ground, release and then ask for peace, guidance, presence and perspective from the Divine.  It really does work.  Also, I try to find something else that I should be doing.. Because there's always plenty of THAT to go around, right? ;)

I don't have it all figured out but this was what was swimming around my head this morning and decided it needed to fall out of my brain and onto the internets.  So yeah... there we go!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Geek and Sundry

Now, if you're reading this you should have at least heard of The Guild and Felicia Day.  Well, Felicia Day has a new YouTube channel called Geek and Sundry.  She has a whole bunch of stuffs on there.  Flog, action comics, Wil Wheaton, book reviews and more!

Now go, watch.
http://geekandsundry.com/

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Year Ago

A year ago we said goodbye to a dear friend of mine, Tony Prather.  Some of you may remember the post I made about it.

Tony remains an inspiration in my life.  I still can close my eyes and remember his hugs.  I loved the smile he'd give me and feel lucky to have had him in my life.  I miss our talks about philosophy and those of Nadine's ass (of which, he frequently reminded me, he was a fan).  How could you NOT fall in love with Tony?   I loved his love of literature and his desire to seek out spirituality.  I loved our ways of really hitting on the truth and calling one another on our bullshit.  Real friends can do this in such way that you don't feel defensive, but instead feel loved.  Tony had this skill in spades.  He made me feel sexy while maintaining that Nadine was his goddess.  If you ever wanted to see true love you just needed to look in their eyes.

I'm still honored to have been the one that married Tony and Nadine.  It still blows me away that they asked me to perform the ceremony.  It has been a true gift to have been part of their put together family.  And there are no doubts that that's just what we were.  Family.


It's been a hard year for all who loved him.  Of course especially hard on Nadine.  I've seen the ups and the downs and often have seen the smile on her face trying to mask the hurt in her heart.  It's true that it is it takes courage to love what death can touch.  And for those of you who know Nae, you know she truly has such a courageous heart.  Remember, sweetheart, there is strength in vulnerability.  You have to be strong to be able to show that someone has touched the tender places of your soul.
I looked up to him.. literally

So again.  A year later.  How is it that the world keeps spinning in it's normal fashion?  Well, it does.  But today my world will pause for a moment while I look at a little bit of love in the artwork Tony gave me.  I will close my eyes and remember how he touched my life and the lives of others.  He was an amazing friend, a loving husband and a fabulous father.


Rest for now, we will see you in the blink of an eye.  'Til then I'll occasionally pick up some sort of Yoda memorabilia and think of you (I even have a Yoda hat now!).  You continue to inspire.  Your memory lives on, Tony.  You are loved.  You are missed. You're still my Yoda.

Jealousy = Feelings of Inadequacy

No, it's really true.  When does jealousy NOT stem from feelings of inadequacy?  Fear of not being enough?  I'd LOVE to know because I certainly haven't seen it.

The last several months have been, for me, about feeling worthy.  I've battled old ideas.  Things I came up with as a child that are no longer valid.  Beliefs that I was not worth protecting.  Not worth dealing with during the day.  Not worth noticing.  Not worth being around.  Not worth having as a mother.  Do we see a pattern?

I'm not accepting these old tapes.  I'm not letting it lie.  I'm working on it.  I'm seeing a counselor who is helping me with EMDR treatments to help with these issues (and a couple others).  It only makes sense that I'm manifesting situations where I have to deal with these worthiness issues.  When I can get out of my head I see the truth that I have just as much value as anyone  and we are all amazing, blessed creatures.  But too often I stay in my head and flip out coming up with scenarios where everything is just a reflection of my lack of value.  Like living life as a hammer.  Everything is a nail.  I'm making a concerted effort now, after initial fallout (oh, hopefully I'll nip the fallout in the bud too), to really see how I'm freaking out only by my own image of myself.  That image is illusion.

So, I'm doing what I can now to hold steady, release the negative back into the earth to be filtered out energetically and receive guidance and comfort from the divine.  No more candy wrapper syndrome for THIS girl!  I am willing to release.  I'm willing to receive.  Thank you for my healing.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

non specific bigness

It's not about any one person, or any one situation.  It's really pretty vague.. it's about me.. It's about me and my big feelings.  My ginormous feelings that won't fit in my chest.  I'm often worried that I will scare all my friends and family away with my bigness.


Sometimes it's tempting to withdraw or try to hide these big feelings.  Sometimes it's tempting to just try and run away.  But the love of life and the intensely good big parts (the lows have their consorts too), they keep me going.  They keep me wanting more.  So every day my Leo Moon puts me out there.  I show a little bit of my soul and I beg that it be cared for by those who view it.  It's sometimes ugly and mean.  But sometimes it's big and beautiful and the biggest love you'll ever experience.  Still amazed so many of my loved ones are hanging in there.  I'm grateful.  Thanks for loving all my parts.


Love, me

Not until I had been wanted by someone else did I realize that getting that desire fulfilled didn't fix what was hurting.  I was longing to love, respect and cherish myself.

It's a whole new road, and one less traveled by most.  We, as a society, tend to seek love and attention from others to fill us up.  By all means, I absolutely cherish those in my life who have lifted me up and find value in me.  But it's not until you see your own value that we can break free of the illusion that we are anything other than whole.

Today I rise from my bed, the sunshine falling upon me, and I smile into the heavens.  Thank you, Divine for directing me towards this bliss.  I am whole.  The only thing standing in my way of happiness is my belief (sometimes enforced by others and their own insecurities) that I am anything other than I am.  I am great because I'm part of this world that is already perfect, we just need to stop convincing it otherwise... I need to stop convincing myself otherwise.

Thank you.

And a special thank you to my friends who have no problem setting me straight, calling me on my shit and loving me more when I don't have the strength to love myself.  Thank you for the reminders.

Friday, May 11, 2012

markers in time

I should have an 19 year old.
I should have a 7 year old.
I should have a 6 year old.
I should have a 5 year old.
I should have a 1 year old.
I should have a 8 month old.

Guess what.  I don't.  Instead I know children around me who serve as living, breathing markers in time of how old my children should be.  Instead I have a uterus that is still weeping for the babies it couldn't hold.  Weeping?  Maybe more like sobbing.  Like every hour I'm running to the bathroom.  This isn't lining anymore.  This is blood.  Blood blood bloody blood.

I appreciate the one I have but I feel terrible that he longs for a sibling and has a mother who is falling apart.  Really, far more the latter.  We all have disappointments.  He'll have to deal with them eventually.

Can't give my husband a baby, either.  Yeah, that feels awesome.  

It's hard believing in the fact there's a purpose in everything.  Where the fuck is the purpose in not only taking my babies away but having me bleed like this?  WHERE IS THE FUCKING SENSE?

I'm so tired of having a broken heart.  I'm so sick of grief.  I really live in my moments of happy but sometimes the hurt overshadows the rest.  Today is one of those days and I'm so fucking done with it.

I can't blame the masses for avoiding me and my fucking pain.  I commend those who do hang out.  But I don't get it, for sure.  I'm toxic right now.  

Thank Goddess that I'm getting a healing today.  It cannot come fast enough.  I will be working with a healer that I trust more than I can express.  But it's hard to believe that I can receive healing.  It's hard to believe that there is more to life than the grief I've always known.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Witness

Don't try to understand. I don't understand. please just hold the space.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Joy!

Even with the newly revived sad, my life is still filled with joy!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Ugly

I created a painting today.  It was ugly.  I mean, aesthetically NOT pleasing.  It was an anatomically correct heart wrapped by a umbilical cord with a old fashioned pad lock snapped on.  It is weird.

 

Recently my heart broke right open.  I came back to life.  But waiting in the corner was this ugly little beast that tormented me before I shut it down before.  I slept for 7 months.  I wasn’t ok when I got out of bed.. I just decided that I needed to get out of bed.  So I stuffed it all away, locked it up, and shut it down.  But with a smile and a kind word I realized I still had a heart.  I realized it still functioned.  I should have known better.  That bastard was lurking, just waiting for me to snap out of it and revisit that room.

 

Today I sobbed my heart out.  I just cried and cried and cried.  I’d still be crying right now if I didn’t have to work.  I am just SO FUCKNG sad!

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly everyone seems to hold their crazy together so well and why I can’t.  I suppose it’s just that whole “passionate person” thing.  I don’t feel anything mildly.  I’m luke warm about nearly nothing.  To be myself.  To be my true, passionate, authentic self, I have to let myself feel how I need to feel.  Right now it’s just sad.

 

But hey, if you find a manual that tells the secrets on how to “get over” things let me know (not really, I’m sure they’re books.  But they all just boil down to “hey, jackass.  You have to process!”


Sunday, May 06, 2012

Space

It has not escaped my attention that I've used clean laundry to fill the empty space in my bed.

But know I recognize that I'm blessed enough to have someone to fill it in just over 2 weeks.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Good lord

I reread so many of my entries.. They're so much about fertility and miscarriage.  How fucking depressing.  I started getting down on myself for so blatantly obsessing about babies.  But then I thought about it.  It's an ongoing story.  And no, I don't think about it *all* of the time.  But I'm always getting my reminders of the persons missing.

Oh, this all came out about love songs.  It seems like a great deal of sad love songs can be applied to fertility challenges.

And I have a hard time applying the same kindness to myself that I gift to others.  I am often criticizing myself for still mourning.  But I just thought about it.  If I knew someone else who had been through a grand total of 6 miscarriages I think I'd cut her a little slack.  I guess I should cut me a little slack.  It's going to come back.  And as for the entries.. well, think of the time it took to write several blog entries... It is not representative of my days.  There are a great many days where I think very little about babies, pregnancies and fertility.  I have a very full life with great friends and family and a pretty good deal in general.

But hey, Johanna, it's okay to be sad sometimes.  And if you get sad again later, that's okay too.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Truest Self

Thank you Beltane for showing the birth of a new me.  I am a child of the earth, after all.

Tonight I had an ultimately challenging emotional experience.  But I am coming through it with great joy and gratitude, so very sincerely.  I am absolutely elated to really break through some huge hurdles.  I have truly grasped some concepts in the very last hour that have birthed a new dawn.

Just like when a child sort of understands the concepts of reading and can sound out a handful of words. They're not a full fledged "reader" yet.. but then one day it really clicks.  There is no turning back and even if they need to work with the concept for a while longer they have moved beyond a trigger point that will lead to a lot easier of a transition as they gain their reading skills...  This is what I've done.

I've been trying to really grasp the concept of letting other people have influence on my feelings and only now do I really see that these are just my own reactions to my own perceived traits in which I am insecure of.  I knew the general concept of letting others choose our feelings but it still hadn't "clicked".  Well, tonight, it has.

I encountered a very unique emotional blow.  But the thing was that the only one who was to blame was me.  NO, I'm not to blame for the situation (nor is anyone. This a been an experience of growth, as all experiences are. We're living what we know and trying to figure out what we should be doing)  but I was to blame for the hurt I was letting myself go through.  Why?  This is not me being self deprecating or self-loathing.  In fact, quite the opposite.

My actions for the last couple weeks have been very consciously derived from my desire to follow the true path of my heart.  To follow the path in alignment with my higher self and the Divine.  I have a great sense of accomplishment in knowing that every thing I have done up to this point has come from a loving place and an inner truth. I have "let go and let God" probably more honestly and in such truth that I have never experienced in my life.

It has been an honor to feel such things.  To act from a genuine place inside of myself.  There have been moments of old programming coming into play but those incidences were few and far between.

A personal situation occurred where my energies and the energies of others were jumbled up creating a type of dissonance.  I've learned, courtesy of my dear friend, Judy, that sometimes you have to use that dissonance as a way to break up the stagnant energy and move through to a more flowing energy.  The dissonance is a gift to help us grow. Forcing movement lest we become stagnant.

I felt a tightness and a confusion.. mostly confusion.  I wept for a moment.  But I knew as I cried that it was a good... a BLESSED thing I was experiencing and the tears brought with it some of the most beautiful growth possible.  I was filled with awe and gratitude.  The situation had started where I was learning about how jealousy was really just a form of dysfunction of my own self esteem.  then I was felt the insecurities of others and wanting to help them see their wholeness. Also wanted to create space where they could learn why they did not need to derive their own value on the actions of others. That self esteem is really just a concept of how we've learned to value ourselves based on other people's interactions with us.  A concept that is not real.

It hit me.. I have been gauging my value as a human being as a direct reflection of what I could offer.  I derived my own self worth on other people's dysfunctions.  I offered myself to my mother as a prized possession to take out and to prove she had something of value, only to be put away when I was not useful.  She didn't believe she had value beyond her wonderful boys and darling daughter.  She derived her own self worth through us. My abuser derived his own value from the sexual love he felt through me.  What I got from that situation was reassurance that it was what I could offer that proved my value.  The effects of this were not done TO me.. they were a side effect of other people just trying to figure out their own place in the world and to feel whole... (but remember, we already are, we just have the illusion of unwholeness clouding our eyes.)  So, I created my own negative programming simply as a byproduct of their own imagined self worth.  But as we move on we grow and the next cycle of programming put on others because of our own drama will be less than that of those who precede us.  We will take on less of other people's dysfunctions.  This is how we change the world.  Raising the vibration one notch at a time.

I have reinforced this belief system in myself for years.  Bad relationships.  What I could offer was a way I was proving my worth.  I would humiliate myself and allowed others to treat me in a way that would just help reinforce my beliefs of myself.  I've created in others actions that they would have otherwise not done.  I manifested the proof of my belief that I had no value outside of what I could offer.

So in the situation I encountered tonight I, add a knee jerk reaction, felt this hurt.  In analyzing it I realized that I was sad not that the event had taken place (I was still more confused than anything, being half asleep, which was a blessing that my mind had not fully engaged) but I was sad because I thought it was a direct reflection for not having offered enough.  But I reviewed the tape. The overwhelming fact of it all was just that I had connected repeatedly, grounding, releasing, and asking for the divine good and a desire to enjoy the physical life I've been given while creating a safe space for others to grow in a loving and supportive place.  I asked the Divine over and over for assistance in following the right path, the one most congruent with the best intentions for my path and the paths of those involved.

The realization?  I had done nothing wrong.  The dissonance was not a direct reflection of my value in any shape or form.  It was people's journey to find where they fit in.  To find their own value.  If I could, I would offer the same realization that their value is not dependent on how others feel about them and what they can offer.  I see them as whole but just unaware of how beautiful they are.

As a bonus I've also come to realize that sometimes I need to let go of people and situations that are NOT in alignment with the path towards growing and realizing my true divinity.  This is not a judgment just a change of direction. I can not own other people's reactions any more than my friends involved in these discoveries should own my questioning my personal value. (This realization doesn't have to do with the main persons involved in my realizations of the night).  

So I was already on the right path!  Go figure!   My intentions are pure.  I hope all of your thoughts are as clear as mine are at this moment.  And I pray that I can keep this perspective and do not defer to my old thought patterns and feel like again, my value is based on anything.  Value is a judgement.  I am divine as a fact.  So are you.  There is nothing that makes you less worthy.

No one involved tried to make me feel less than worthy.  But they helped me release from the attachment of their approval.

My friends, I am in the springtime of my life and I am seeing life flourishing around me.  I see us all walking our own paths, one step at a time discovering the greater truth and realizing our wholeness.  We are blessed with the sensations, emotionally and physically that help pull us to learn from our experiences and to see how we are all here to help one another's growth.

Thanks, you guys.  You've helped me so much and I am left to go back to sleep knowing that I'm on my right path.  I hope we can find our footing once again and continue on a path of congruence.

Blessed be.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Ugly Truth


So, I've realized some stuff surrounding the depression I've been dealing with, honestly, for a year and a half now.  I've been going to counseling to rewire my silly malfunctioning brain.  It's working.  Also, I've been working with several healers to ease my way through past trauma.  I recently had a powerful meditation and I feel it really peeled a whole new layer of issues away.  Of course what you see after you do that is nearly always the same.  You reveal more things that need to be worked on.  A new pile-o-shit.  Well, the newly revealed shit pile was the realization that I'm still depressed.   You're shocked, I know.  Hard to believe.  I think it's sort of funny (in that ironic, lame way) that I hadn't realized it. Yeah.  Depressed.  Counselor even said, "Yeah, you're depressed."

 I looked depression up in my "Heal Your Body" app on my phone (has FAR more "dis-eases" than the physical book).  It says the probable cause of depression is "Anger you feel you do not have a right to have. Hopelessness."  Blew me away.  Struck a note for sure.

I'm angry about my miscarriages.  I'm angry that I know I would try so hard to nurture a new baby while I see people neglecting their children in so many ways.  I'm angry that so many people take for granted that their bodies seem to receive embryos with the greatest of ease.  I'm angry that this one thing I want the most, to expand my family, seems so far out of my reach. I'm angry that people don't seem to understand my not wanting to do fertility treatments with an RE.  I'm angry that I'm not willing to do those treatments (still doesn't feel right for me).  I'm angry that I don't get to do the whole hand-me-down thing.  I'm angry that no one makes hand knitted gifts for my baby (didn't receive any for Marsh when he was a baby).  I'm angry that so many others are pregnant right now and I am not. I'm angry.

They all feel like asshole ideas which is why I don't feel like I have a right to feel those things.  I feel like if I even try to express them that I have to add disclaimers.  Yes, I know I have a child already when others will never know that feeling.  I know that no one's life is "easy".  I know that everyone has their battles and sure, maybe they can conceive and carry easily but they have their own life challenges.  We all do, it's part of being human.  I know that I am not a perfect mother and I wouldn't be a perfect mother to an additional child.  But all of this is logical.  These feelings are not logical.

I don't know what to do with these feelings.  But I'm learning over and over that I shouldn't necessarily "do" anything.  I'll just keep plodding along on my journey to possible motherhood.

And sincerely.  Even if I never get another child I really do believe the journey has been worth it.  I've grown so much and continue to do so.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Barefoot

I am a barefoot convert, whole heartedly!

 

I started out as a child wearing remarkably unsupportive shoes and often flip flops or bare feet (OFTEN bare feet).  I had crazy high arches.  But as I got older I got more “grown up” shoes.  The world told me to seek out MORE SUPPORT!  I did.  I then got arch pain.  Then low back pain.  Then flat feet.  Then hip and knee pain. I went from stabilizing shoes (standard shoes) to wearing orthotics then superfeet.  Most people assume this means I’d be in orthotics for the rest of my life.  Nothing I did worked.  The last straw was when I, as an underactive, overweight girl decided to do a 3 mile walk for a good cause.  The pressure on the sides of my feet from my most comfortable shoes (with superfeet insoles) mixed with the weight, and my heel strikes not only made my whole body hurt but I’m pretty sure it broke one of those awesome small bones in my foot.  Walking was pretty painful after that.

 

Then I researched those silly Vibram 5 finger shoes.  It went on talking about how we were built to be barefoot.  It helps the development of our legs and feet and create a walking and running stride that is far less shocking to our bodies.  Esepcially when you consider that people running in stabilizing shoes tend to run with a heel strike.  This adds SO MUCH jarring motion to our feet, ankles, knees, hips and back.  No good.

 

What really did it for me was when I heard this said by a barefoot enthusiast (of course I’m paraphrasing), “Pediatric Doctors and podiatrists agree, we acknowledge as a fact, that babies need to learn to walk in soft soled shoes.  They talk about how it helps foot development. Then why is it that as soon as they’re walking do we splint their feet.”  And that’s exactly what most modern shoes do.  Yes, they are protecting your feet from both the elements and from things like hot pavement and broken glass, but they’re also preventing us from flexing our feet and moving and working our muscles and tendons the way they should.

 

My first try was the Vibrams.  They were the only ones I knew about.  I finally got the smallest I could get in a store.  36.  Too big.  Oh, to have such small feet.  I need a 35.  Guess what they’re rumored to make but you can’t actually find ANYWHERE?  Yeah, 35s.  Plus, with my mutant elf toes the rubber toe cap thingy hurt my toe.  Then a friend of mine told me about Vivobarefoot.  I went on their website.  No individual toes. What? Barefoot shoes and I can keep my socks?!  Sweet.  I love socks.  The styles?  Everything from quirky weird running shoes to regular running shoes to boots to mary janes.  I opted for the children’s mary janes.  Because I often size up for the width of my feet I got 36s (can’t compare em to the Vibrams. They have the same euro #s but the fit varies so much).  In retrospect, being leather shoes I would have got 35s.  They stretched out and now they’re looser than they probably sould be but you know what?  I ADORE them.  Other than flip flops they’re pretty much the only shoe I wear.  Ridiculously comfortable.  What have I noticed?  VAST reduction in pain. NO knee or arch pain anymore.  Bizarre thing?  I have arches again!! I tried wearing some other shoes recently and you know what happened?  All the pain started coming back from just a couple days of wearing them.  Yeah, a convert. 

 

Since then I’ve tried several other pairs of minimalist/barefoot shoes and no others will accommodate my strange duck feet.  So I’ll be sticking with Vivobarefoot shoes and I’ll be very happy. 

 

I encourage you to check out some barefoot shoes for yourself.  Vivobarefoot’s site has all sorts of great information about the barefoot revolution.. Check it out!

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Far too late to be thinking so much

My eyes are burning.  I've stayed up much too late.  I just *had* to finish the back of the baby sweater that I'm making for a friend's baby shower about a week and a half away.  I didn't finish the back.  Four more inches and I move on to the shoulder/neck then the front, then the arms, seam and voila!  Sounds lovely, right?

Well, as I work the stitches I'm battling jealousy and grief.  Really, the jealousy is because of the grief.  It's because of my own feelings of inadequacy.  Ugh.  So as I've been knitting, I'm blessing this little being who will be born before you know it.  The needles click, click, click and my heart aches for all the babies that have not come to be.  I'm adding the stripes to the sweater and feeling fearful that I will never get to parent another little one.  My little one is so big now.

Since my healing I still do not feel the desperation I felt before.  I'm thankful for this.. The only negative feeling surrounding it has been just this ugly jealousy and grief.  Ugh.

Sincerely, if I never welcome another child into my home (by whatever means) then I honestly feel this journey has been worth it.  It has caused me to grow SO very much.

Oh, Powers that Be, I'm ready for the next stage.  I want to feel the intense joy that I once felt (and was blessed by) when I had my son.  I know that may be greedy but man, I just feel there's someone missing.

Click, click, click.  The sweater is big.  I'm not even sure when this currently unborn babe will get to wear it.  But I hope I get a picture of her wearing it.  There is so much of me in every stitch.  Every heartache, every joy, every loss and so much love and exhilaration and absolutely, so very, very much hope.

This sweater represents so much of that hope.  I hope it comes through more than anything else.  Hope for the future.  Hope for a life full of fulfillment and contentment.  Full of love for life.  Full of just plain ole love, in abundance.  And warmth that translate to the comfort I send with it.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Healing

For quite a long time I had this feeling of desperation over having another child.  The feeling felt like it wasn't mine.  Hard to explain how but it was like so much of my emotion was okay with just the journey with the hopes of having another child.  Sincerely.  The desperation was not mine.  Well, I had the most amazing healing session the other day.  It was about how I was holding someone else's energy in my second chakra (reproductive and creative energies, my friends).  This person had longed for another child in all of my memories.  So, when I had my healing, the healer, Nancy Rebecca, was able to move this other person's spirit out of my second chakra.  I shit you not, I felt the desperation leave.  Seriously.  What I'm left with feels right.  I still desire the baby but in so much of a "this is a pure desire."  It no longer is something to fix me, or heal old wounds.  I realized that this person had been longing for me to have a baby so much because she never got that new baby.  And I came away with the understanding that she wanted that new baby because she longed, deeply, to be loved.  It was all about reparenting and also having a new person who is a new chance at someone loving her.  That's not mine.  Not a day goes by that I doubt that my parents love me.  I was always loved and wanted.  I wish that that person could have had it too.

I did feel one negative feeling that still hovers around there.. it's a twofold thing.  Jealousy (manifesting often as judgement of others) which stems from sadness.  I'm still sad over lost babies and still have a hard time believing that I could be graced with another child.  Nancy had said something about believing I would have this child and I just cried.  She said the sweetest thing, that she would hold the belief for both of us.  God, I want to cry thinking about it right now.  It's so hard to want to get my hopes up again but being terrified that I'll be let down again.

I'm not doing so great at the meditation at the designated times (in the morning and before bed)... but I try to take a few moments throughout the day to work on them.  It starts with grounding.  Once grounded I imagine the source of my feminine energy (slighly right of where my left leg bone meets my pelvis).. I imagine a bulb growing from there.. originally Nancy suggested a daffodil.. but I imagine an iris.  It grows upward.  On the opposite side is the masculine energy.  This one changes too.. I haven't decided what plant it is.. Right now it is nettle.  Very robust plant, with so much nutrition and medicine and needing to be taken seriously.  Lovely plant.  But, no not a bulb.  What do you do....   Then in the center, growing right up the middle of me is my creativity channel.  It keeps changing also.  My favorite to imagine is maidenhair fern.  One of my favorite plants.. let it grow right up my middle and cascade out over my head.  :D

A big part of the chakra balancing was also this "candy wrapper" thing.. basically I wasn't grounding, seeking assistance from the earth.. and up above, I wasn't seeking assistance from the divine.  The "I'll do it myself" syndrome.  Yeah, guilty.  I remember during my church going days saying "Just let me work this out, God.  Then I'll give it to you."  Not much has changed.  I just feel like I'm weak when I get help from others.  It's hard for me to not just do the "okay, if you tell me how to do it myself I'll do it myself," thing.  I'm really working on asking for help and receiving it graciously.  Oh, such a difficult lesson.

There's more.. Lots more.. Others in my 2nd chakra as well as the person described above.  Other baggage.  The healing was amazing!  I would recommend it to anyone (everyone!).  I just hope I don't have to wait too long until I can get another.  I'm certain I could use it.

Soon I hope to post some geek love.. especially if I get brave enough to hack my Vibrant.  The thing is working less than awesomely as of late.  'Til next time.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Sorry for the depressing reading

I feel like I'm close to some major shifts.  However right now all I feel like doing is crying.  I feel OK with where I'm at because I feel, with this deep inner knowing that things are as they should be.  Everything is on the right path.  As Teresa would say, "Everything is in Divine order."  This path hasn't been a fun one, but I honor it.  Thanks, path, for being what I need.  Please, give me a little break in order to integrate and not feel so much hurt.  I just need a small reprieve.  Thanks again.  Sincerely.  I know this will make me more in-line with being fully integrated, between my body and spirit.  I know this will enable me to help others do the same.  But I just feel I need to say it.  It sucks.  It hurts. And I'll be even more grateful when it's over.