Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Please forgive.....

Please forgive my broken heart.  Last year I had an embryo in my uterus.  It probably looked much like a sea monkey.  It didn't hang out for long but at least I got to have a Christmas as a mother of two.  It pretty much rocked.  Bretty and the boy even got me a hard cover sketch book and had a little engraved bit on the front that said "Banana's Baby Book".  It sits on my altar with lots of other goodies with only a few pages in it used.  Sometimes I think I should tear those pages out and bury them.

Somewhere between Christmas and New Years I lost another baby.  1 of at least 5 with my husband (we had one or two questionable cycles in addition).  Had at least one other loss before that as a young, punk kid.  Marsh, is my blessing.  So lucky to have that funny, sweet, sometimes obnoxious adolescent boy.  Please know that even though I continue to mourn I thank my lucky stars that I was blessed with such an amazing kid.  And even if I never get to mother any other topside babes that I will relish that I got to mother him.

I know I haven't healed.  In one of my channeling group sessions with Teresa and "the girls... and Ron" the advice was given that I write to each of my lost babies.  I'm on letter #2.  Only 4 more to go.  As I go on they become more recent, more raw.  And that last baby?  That's the one still breaking my heart.

A year ago we had another chance.  Please, God, Goddess, Allah, Divine, Universe, WHATEVER, let this year be my year.

I'm taking all sorts of supplements.  I'm taking herbs to help get my body back on track.  I think I'm doing good.  We *are* avoiding for a couple months just because the herbs are not conducive to a healthy pregnancy, although they will help me get to there.  *sigh*  I can't tell you WHY I want it so much.  I just keep looking around the corner for the missing kid.  WHERE is the missing kid?

Meanwhile... just working on paying off bills so we can get in a bigger place.  Bigger place = moving towards getting a foster kid(s) with potential to adopt.

Man, I shouldn't stay up to late.. It brings on the crazy.

Next week is likely to be my last week working temp at REI.  Still won't know for sure until probably when I'm about done.  Feels like every thing is on hold until I find out what is up.

Why am I still awake?  Uh.. yeah, bed time.

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