Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I'm fully aware that I'm a downer right now. My heart is broken more than I thought. I thought I had moved further past this. I thought I was done with this. But I'm not. I'm still devastated.

At the advice of a friend I wrote notes to each of the babies I've lost. I have six letters and I want to bury them in my yard.

In my heart I can't help but ask the question WHY do I keep getting pregnant only to lose each baby? I want to stomp my feet like a petulant child and shout how it's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR!

Fuck me. I have to get ready for work. And I told my precious only living child I'd make him French toast.

Friday, December 23, 2011

winding down

The time's getting close.  I'll be done with my seasonal job soon.  They'll either keep me on or I'll be let go and maybe taken on for another seasonal position this spring.  This is my 4th time being seasonal.  The most ideal would be for me to stay on because we could use the extra money to get caught up on bills.  Catch up and get out of debt.  So much of my life could change if that happened.  Ie: bigger place, maybe with an office, and moving towards foster-adoption.

If I am not working there will be good things too.  More time with my family.  More time for work.  A far more flexible schedule to do lots of things.  But with financial restrictions and a slower move towards what we want.

The hardest part is the waiting.  Will I, won't I.  You know?  I know one thing for sure.  Fully time work outside of my home is most certainly NOT my gig.  I have too many side things going on.

Well, on to my side work so I can get some stuff done before heading to REI for a cush 5 hour shift.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Please forgive.....

Please forgive my broken heart.  Last year I had an embryo in my uterus.  It probably looked much like a sea monkey.  It didn't hang out for long but at least I got to have a Christmas as a mother of two.  It pretty much rocked.  Bretty and the boy even got me a hard cover sketch book and had a little engraved bit on the front that said "Banana's Baby Book".  It sits on my altar with lots of other goodies with only a few pages in it used.  Sometimes I think I should tear those pages out and bury them.

Somewhere between Christmas and New Years I lost another baby.  1 of at least 5 with my husband (we had one or two questionable cycles in addition).  Had at least one other loss before that as a young, punk kid.  Marsh, is my blessing.  So lucky to have that funny, sweet, sometimes obnoxious adolescent boy.  Please know that even though I continue to mourn I thank my lucky stars that I was blessed with such an amazing kid.  And even if I never get to mother any other topside babes that I will relish that I got to mother him.

I know I haven't healed.  In one of my channeling group sessions with Teresa and "the girls... and Ron" the advice was given that I write to each of my lost babies.  I'm on letter #2.  Only 4 more to go.  As I go on they become more recent, more raw.  And that last baby?  That's the one still breaking my heart.

A year ago we had another chance.  Please, God, Goddess, Allah, Divine, Universe, WHATEVER, let this year be my year.

I'm taking all sorts of supplements.  I'm taking herbs to help get my body back on track.  I think I'm doing good.  We *are* avoiding for a couple months just because the herbs are not conducive to a healthy pregnancy, although they will help me get to there.  *sigh*  I can't tell you WHY I want it so much.  I just keep looking around the corner for the missing kid.  WHERE is the missing kid?

Meanwhile... just working on paying off bills so we can get in a bigger place.  Bigger place = moving towards getting a foster kid(s) with potential to adopt.

Man, I shouldn't stay up to late.. It brings on the crazy.

Next week is likely to be my last week working temp at REI.  Still won't know for sure until probably when I'm about done.  Feels like every thing is on hold until I find out what is up.

Why am I still awake?  Uh.. yeah, bed time.