Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Times, they are a-changin'!

So my aunt Coralee has been coming over pretty regularly on Tuesdays.  This has been an amazing gift to me.  She can put so many things in perspective for me and I have so many profound realizations when we are together.

So the latest... I really believe I decided even before I was born that I would use this lifetime to grow as fast and as thoroughly as I could.  I am taking down issue by issue and even when I'm struggling a whole lot with something I am just moments away from a major breakthrough.

I realized how difficult of a time I have believing I could be worthy.  Of what?  Oh, anything.  Love, attention, money, a healthy and fit body and the family I imagine myself having (ie: someone is missing).  I rob myself of this on a regular basis because I believe I don't deserve them.  I am a manifestor.  We all are, but I SEE that I'm a manifestor.  I am making the connections that show me how I bring myself situations that help me grow and learn and move through issues so I can heal and be more fully aware of my wholeness (we are all whole, it's only the illusion of brokenness and being unwhole that plagues us).

Weight.  I don't believe I deserve to have a healthy body.  I don't believe I deserve attention.  If I lost weight I would have to face the fact that I was put together well.  It's true.  I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else or some hot goddess, but I love the curves that I hide under all the excess weight.  I think they're beautiful.  I am robbing myself of being able to believe I'm beautiful.  So I brought a sweet friend into my life and one of the many things she has to teach me is to get over it.  She tells me how breathtaking my beauty is.  Do you realize how hard that is to hear?  How every time she says I'm lovely or gorgeous or sexy that I have a hard time thinking anything other than "she is nuts" or "what the hell is she looking at because it's not ME."  So, in my manifesting I'm manifesting someone who will give me what I will hear later, once I've lost weight.  And I will hear it.  Because you know what?  I know I'm pretty.  I'm not perfect.  I see my flaws.  But I've come to a point in my life that I have given the grace that I give to others, to myself, at least in part.  I can say it.. I'm pretty.  I don't think I'm beautiful, or gorgeous or sexy... But I think I'm pretty and it's a start.

Also, money.  If I let myself be out of debt and have what I want then I would be saying I deserve those things.  I would be able to pursue adoption (because even though I want to conceive adoption has always been in my plan).  I would be able to get into a home we own where I can make my walls palettes for me to paint a world onto (over and over again, giant canvasses!) and I could have a puppy, and some chickens and a goat!  I could let my boy play drums at all hours, or guitar, or whatever and I could have a piece of earth in which to do whatever I choose with.  These things mean something to me.  And every day I enable myself to remain in debt I am saying I don't deserve them.

I could go on and on and on about this (haven't I already?) but I'll leave you with this.  I have been blocking *life* and it needs to change.  Oh, but believe me.  Things are changing.  I believe I can manifest anything I desire and the constant question in my head as of late has been, "Why am I holding myself back?"  I'm figuring it all out, slowly but surely (fast if you think about the length of a lifetime).  It'll all be clear sooner rather than later.  And my life will reflect the wholeness that is already there.

My friends, things are changing.

1 comment:

ElleBelle said...

If I haven't told you this lately- YOU INSPIRE ME. I am truly grateful that you are my friend. I love you dearly.
I truly believe that all of those things will happen for you. Believe, Achieve, Succeed. :)

I can hardly wait to see what you paint on those canvases!