Sunday, November 13, 2011

Realizations

I’m trying to figure out how to be vague enough for privacy’s sake but still write about all the craziness that is going on with me right now. 

 

I guess I’m going to tell a story.  The story itself is a tired one.  It’s been rehashed so many times but it’s ridiculous.  The only reason I want to go into it was because it is relevant to my current problem. 

 

As I child I never had those abandonment issues that many people have.  My parents had their first and second marriages before they found one another.  So out of my siblings I never had to deal with my parents splitting.  They loved each other immensely.  My first real experience with *real* loss was the loss of a pregnancy at a very young age.  Those of you who know me personally know I was born a mother.  I was (naively) ecstatic about my upcoming parenthood.  Of course I can certainly see the silver lining in the loss but it was my first lesson in losing. 

 

The next was the loss of my father.  There were tiny losses in between, mostly boys, concepts, and my waistline but I don’t feel like they were anything out of the ordinary.  The loss of my father was the loss of the most important man in my life.  It was intense and devastating.  I buried it nice and deep. 

 

Soon after the loss of my father I found a new, less abusive intimate relationship.  I realized life was too short to waste it on someone who is crappy to you.  I felt very connected to the new man in my life.  We were together just shy of 2 years when we moved into my first place outside of my childhood home.  We talked of marriage and family.  We were scarcely moved in when I conceived.  Luckily, enough time had passed from my first pregnancy that I was able to have faith that everything would be ok.  But it was a rough beginning.  Bleeding.  Pain.  Fear.  Then my boyfriend lost his job.  I was the (knocked up) breadwinner.  We arranged a small ceremony (we meaning I did).  2 weeks before “the day” he decided to call it off.  My sweet uncle and godfather invited me to come down to CA to have a little pre-babe vacation and some emotional recovery time.  When I came home my baby’s father broke up with me saying he didn’t love me anymore.

 

My life shattered.  There I was, 7 months pregnant.  Alone.  My most important man died.  My second most important man abandoned me.  Not only did I have to mourn the loss of a relationship but I had to face the fact that I would never have the life I had imagined for myself.  No white picket fence and marrying my true love and having a ton of babies together.  If I fell in love again we’d still have this complication of a separate parent in the mix and in my mind I couldn’t help but think “who would marry me?”  I. lost. my. $h!t.  Through the power of counseling and medication I made great leaps in recovery.  I’m not the biggest fan of medicating but in my opinion it’s a fantastic emergency measure to make sure you stay alive sometimes.

 

I opened my heart to my kidlet, my sweet boy.  But had rather convinced myself to never love another man again.  I was still mourning my dream.  I found myself initially without a home and without much support.  Eventually we found a home.  My first apartment fully on my own.  Just me and my wonderful baby.  Crappy neighborhood.  Pretty awful apartment.  But it was OURS.  We found our niche.  I dated some.  Nothing noteworthy.

 

I had a friend.  We met at work.  We chit chatted about our relationships and had a good time.  He was smart and funny.  I got fired from my job.  On my final exit I saw him outside, behind the building.  I gave him my phone number.  He waited a good couple months to call me.  But he did.  He came together and we’ve been together ever since.  We’ve been together for nearly 10 years and we’ve been married for nearly 9.

 

More loss?  Yeah.  We’ve been trying to have a baby together.  We’ve had 5 pregnancies.  5 losses.  It has really hit it home that nothing is permanent.

 

The current issue?  Well, I think he’s GREAT.  He has been my closest friend over the last decade.  But the majority of our relationship I’ve kept him at arm’s length.  This doesn’t mean I never loved him.  Because I love him very much.  But I always have had this corner of my heart reserved; protected.  I realized some understandings in our relationship were born out of that same self protection.  Now that I’m living out some of our own set up rules and regulations I’m realizing despite my self imposed wall, I’ve managed to fall far more deeply in love with him than I ever had imagined.  I’ve realized, over the last year, how much I stand to lose, if for some reason we ever parted.  There is no threat of parting at this point.  No real worry there.  But this realization has made everything sort of terrifying.  If he doesn’t care for his health, I could lose him.  If he drives recklessly I could lose him.  If he walks under a cleverly orchestrated trap set by a coyote I could lose him.  This plays into my insecurities.  If he ever realized all the ugliness I see in myself he could leave.  I could lose him.

 

After my last miscarriage I saw a quote in the holy text at a friend’s service.  It said the following:

 

it's a fearful thing to love what death can touch

 

a fearful thing to love,

hope, dream: to be-

to be, and oh! to lose.

 

A thing for fools this, and

a holy thing,

a holy thing to love

 

For

your life has lived in me,

your laugh has once lifted me,

your word was a gift to me.

 

To remember this brings a painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,

a holy thing,

to love

what death has touched

 

By all means, my husband is alive and well (what a blessing and a gift!).  As much as this rang true for my miscarriage it certainly holds it’s own truth for falling in love with someone.  Love is so fragile.  Too much of a blessing to be a curse.  It can be painful and scary but how on earth can we deny ourselves the joy of the connection that is gifted to us when we love?

 

Brett, every day I love you more, despite all my efforts to create space where I cannot get hurt.  There it is, my love.  My heart is in your hands.

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