Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Times, they are a-changin'!

So my aunt Coralee has been coming over pretty regularly on Tuesdays.  This has been an amazing gift to me.  She can put so many things in perspective for me and I have so many profound realizations when we are together.

So the latest... I really believe I decided even before I was born that I would use this lifetime to grow as fast and as thoroughly as I could.  I am taking down issue by issue and even when I'm struggling a whole lot with something I am just moments away from a major breakthrough.

I realized how difficult of a time I have believing I could be worthy.  Of what?  Oh, anything.  Love, attention, money, a healthy and fit body and the family I imagine myself having (ie: someone is missing).  I rob myself of this on a regular basis because I believe I don't deserve them.  I am a manifestor.  We all are, but I SEE that I'm a manifestor.  I am making the connections that show me how I bring myself situations that help me grow and learn and move through issues so I can heal and be more fully aware of my wholeness (we are all whole, it's only the illusion of brokenness and being unwhole that plagues us).

Weight.  I don't believe I deserve to have a healthy body.  I don't believe I deserve attention.  If I lost weight I would have to face the fact that I was put together well.  It's true.  I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else or some hot goddess, but I love the curves that I hide under all the excess weight.  I think they're beautiful.  I am robbing myself of being able to believe I'm beautiful.  So I brought a sweet friend into my life and one of the many things she has to teach me is to get over it.  She tells me how breathtaking my beauty is.  Do you realize how hard that is to hear?  How every time she says I'm lovely or gorgeous or sexy that I have a hard time thinking anything other than "she is nuts" or "what the hell is she looking at because it's not ME."  So, in my manifesting I'm manifesting someone who will give me what I will hear later, once I've lost weight.  And I will hear it.  Because you know what?  I know I'm pretty.  I'm not perfect.  I see my flaws.  But I've come to a point in my life that I have given the grace that I give to others, to myself, at least in part.  I can say it.. I'm pretty.  I don't think I'm beautiful, or gorgeous or sexy... But I think I'm pretty and it's a start.

Also, money.  If I let myself be out of debt and have what I want then I would be saying I deserve those things.  I would be able to pursue adoption (because even though I want to conceive adoption has always been in my plan).  I would be able to get into a home we own where I can make my walls palettes for me to paint a world onto (over and over again, giant canvasses!) and I could have a puppy, and some chickens and a goat!  I could let my boy play drums at all hours, or guitar, or whatever and I could have a piece of earth in which to do whatever I choose with.  These things mean something to me.  And every day I enable myself to remain in debt I am saying I don't deserve them.

I could go on and on and on about this (haven't I already?) but I'll leave you with this.  I have been blocking *life* and it needs to change.  Oh, but believe me.  Things are changing.  I believe I can manifest anything I desire and the constant question in my head as of late has been, "Why am I holding myself back?"  I'm figuring it all out, slowly but surely (fast if you think about the length of a lifetime).  It'll all be clear sooner rather than later.  And my life will reflect the wholeness that is already there.

My friends, things are changing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Health?

So a whole lot has been coming up surrounding my reproductive health as of late.  A few days ago I was hemorrhaging.  By all means, this sounds scarier that it was.  It wasn't so bad that I lost consciousness or anything like that.  I did feel sleepy (and still do) and don't feel 100% recovered.  But I sought out medical attention that gave me some of the testing I had been wanting anyway.  Namely, an ultrasound.  My ovaries are NOT polycystic which was a concern, and there are no fibroids, which was also a concern.  I've recently been told that I wouldn't see whether or not endometriosis was apparent, but I am not really symptomatic of that, beyond my long cycles.  But the ultrasound, said other than slightly larger uterus, my uterus and ovaries were remarkably un-noteworthy.  Score... But it has brought up something.....

It's come up so many times over the years that people believe I should be seeking more aggressive medical help with my reproduction.  With this most recent development a doctor completely belittled me for not having a ob/gyn if I was trying to conceive.

I know the path I've chosen is not everyone's path.  Supplements, emotional healing, hands on healing, psychic healing, herbal support, occasional accupuncture and sound therapy and so on and so forth.  This is not everyone's cup of tea.  But for me it's the only thing that feels right.  I'm willing to accept that it's a hard road that may not end with me having a baby.  But it's the right one for me.  I have a hard time with this aspect because I know a lot of people just don't understand why I wouldn't jump to the medical side of the fence (or at least toe the line a bit more).

I understand the odds are against me, but even if it doesn't end in a viable pregnancy and a healthy baby I can honestly say I will have followed a path that led to healing; physically and beyond.

That being said we're trying to find a good plan on how to get out of debt (we're not the best with finances) which will lead to us being able to get in a bigger place.  Once we get into a bigger place we can begin procedures to see if we can foster adopt.  I'm still pursuing conceiving but I'm pretty determined to find this missing person from my family regardless of how.  My body?  Someone else's?  Not that important to me (although it is true I'd love to carry another child again).  If we conceive and carry after the fact?  Bonus!  I certainly wouldn't mind having a couple more kids!

I have a nutritional/herbal protocol I'll be starting as soon as my bleeding is over.  A lot of the bleeding pointed to the fact I was nutritionally deficient and the purging I did a few months back just made it worse (although in some ways better, too).  Some of the deficiencies create a terrible spiral.  Namely the iron.  Lack of iron makes you bleed more.. which makes you lack iron, which makes you bleed more..... you see how this one ends.  So I'm working on some iron supplementation: yellow dock, nettle and dandelion.  I'm considering this recipe I found for a regular iron supplementation that doesn't involve me drinking quite so much tea. ;)  Anyway... this with some other herbs to help balance my hormones and my liver health, I do believe I've found a protocol I feel good about.

I know that this is not everyone's path, but for me it's the only thing that feels right and I'm willing to accept that it's not an easy road and that I might not end up with a baby.  But it is the right one for me.  I don't judge anyone else's path.  If I did it would probably just mean that A. I'm an asshole and B. that I'm not secure about the path that I'm on.  I might be a bit of an asshole but I'm not judging anyone else's journey ;)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Realizations

I’m trying to figure out how to be vague enough for privacy’s sake but still write about all the craziness that is going on with me right now. 

 

I guess I’m going to tell a story.  The story itself is a tired one.  It’s been rehashed so many times but it’s ridiculous.  The only reason I want to go into it was because it is relevant to my current problem. 

 

As I child I never had those abandonment issues that many people have.  My parents had their first and second marriages before they found one another.  So out of my siblings I never had to deal with my parents splitting.  They loved each other immensely.  My first real experience with *real* loss was the loss of a pregnancy at a very young age.  Those of you who know me personally know I was born a mother.  I was (naively) ecstatic about my upcoming parenthood.  Of course I can certainly see the silver lining in the loss but it was my first lesson in losing. 

 

The next was the loss of my father.  There were tiny losses in between, mostly boys, concepts, and my waistline but I don’t feel like they were anything out of the ordinary.  The loss of my father was the loss of the most important man in my life.  It was intense and devastating.  I buried it nice and deep. 

 

Soon after the loss of my father I found a new, less abusive intimate relationship.  I realized life was too short to waste it on someone who is crappy to you.  I felt very connected to the new man in my life.  We were together just shy of 2 years when we moved into my first place outside of my childhood home.  We talked of marriage and family.  We were scarcely moved in when I conceived.  Luckily, enough time had passed from my first pregnancy that I was able to have faith that everything would be ok.  But it was a rough beginning.  Bleeding.  Pain.  Fear.  Then my boyfriend lost his job.  I was the (knocked up) breadwinner.  We arranged a small ceremony (we meaning I did).  2 weeks before “the day” he decided to call it off.  My sweet uncle and godfather invited me to come down to CA to have a little pre-babe vacation and some emotional recovery time.  When I came home my baby’s father broke up with me saying he didn’t love me anymore.

 

My life shattered.  There I was, 7 months pregnant.  Alone.  My most important man died.  My second most important man abandoned me.  Not only did I have to mourn the loss of a relationship but I had to face the fact that I would never have the life I had imagined for myself.  No white picket fence and marrying my true love and having a ton of babies together.  If I fell in love again we’d still have this complication of a separate parent in the mix and in my mind I couldn’t help but think “who would marry me?”  I. lost. my. $h!t.  Through the power of counseling and medication I made great leaps in recovery.  I’m not the biggest fan of medicating but in my opinion it’s a fantastic emergency measure to make sure you stay alive sometimes.

 

I opened my heart to my kidlet, my sweet boy.  But had rather convinced myself to never love another man again.  I was still mourning my dream.  I found myself initially without a home and without much support.  Eventually we found a home.  My first apartment fully on my own.  Just me and my wonderful baby.  Crappy neighborhood.  Pretty awful apartment.  But it was OURS.  We found our niche.  I dated some.  Nothing noteworthy.

 

I had a friend.  We met at work.  We chit chatted about our relationships and had a good time.  He was smart and funny.  I got fired from my job.  On my final exit I saw him outside, behind the building.  I gave him my phone number.  He waited a good couple months to call me.  But he did.  He came together and we’ve been together ever since.  We’ve been together for nearly 10 years and we’ve been married for nearly 9.

 

More loss?  Yeah.  We’ve been trying to have a baby together.  We’ve had 5 pregnancies.  5 losses.  It has really hit it home that nothing is permanent.

 

The current issue?  Well, I think he’s GREAT.  He has been my closest friend over the last decade.  But the majority of our relationship I’ve kept him at arm’s length.  This doesn’t mean I never loved him.  Because I love him very much.  But I always have had this corner of my heart reserved; protected.  I realized some understandings in our relationship were born out of that same self protection.  Now that I’m living out some of our own set up rules and regulations I’m realizing despite my self imposed wall, I’ve managed to fall far more deeply in love with him than I ever had imagined.  I’ve realized, over the last year, how much I stand to lose, if for some reason we ever parted.  There is no threat of parting at this point.  No real worry there.  But this realization has made everything sort of terrifying.  If he doesn’t care for his health, I could lose him.  If he drives recklessly I could lose him.  If he walks under a cleverly orchestrated trap set by a coyote I could lose him.  This plays into my insecurities.  If he ever realized all the ugliness I see in myself he could leave.  I could lose him.

 

After my last miscarriage I saw a quote in the holy text at a friend’s service.  It said the following:

 

it's a fearful thing to love what death can touch

 

a fearful thing to love,

hope, dream: to be-

to be, and oh! to lose.

 

A thing for fools this, and

a holy thing,

a holy thing to love

 

For

your life has lived in me,

your laugh has once lifted me,

your word was a gift to me.

 

To remember this brings a painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,

a holy thing,

to love

what death has touched

 

By all means, my husband is alive and well (what a blessing and a gift!).  As much as this rang true for my miscarriage it certainly holds it’s own truth for falling in love with someone.  Love is so fragile.  Too much of a blessing to be a curse.  It can be painful and scary but how on earth can we deny ourselves the joy of the connection that is gifted to us when we love?

 

Brett, every day I love you more, despite all my efforts to create space where I cannot get hurt.  There it is, my love.  My heart is in your hands.