Saturday, August 27, 2011

Authentic self

I had quite a weekend last weekend.  I was able to go to 2011 Northwest Herbal Faire.  I totally got my herbal geek on.  I realized a few things about how I tend to go about things. When I had no plan I attended hardly any workshops.  When I planned for workshops the whole day I ended up making myself crazy.  If I’m able to attend next year I would definitely make a schedule but also reserve time for relaxing and absorbing information.


I also had some interpersonal realizations as well.  Some of these included some stuff I have yet to figure out how to handle.  First was when someone said, “You’re oversensitive.”  Of course my over emotional reaction really showed how right it was.  I AM oversensitive.  I explained right off the bat that I do tend to react badly and take everything personally initially when it comes to criticism, constructive or otherwise.  I often will shut down emotionally or cry.  But afterwards I’m able to reflect on what they were talking about and what I want to do about it, if anything, or just to let it go.  But what about just the fact I am overemotional?  How do you stop being overemotional.  Part of me wonders if I should?  Not that I think it’s great to overreact to criticisms or to things I’m not liking hearing.  But the part of me that is overemotional is the part of me that is also passionate and empathetic.  I think the actual initial reaction is something that may wane as I become comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve already done enough self work that after I react I can reflect.  When I was younger that was not the case.  I’d just blow up, act like a jackass  and pretend it never happened or spin it in my Scorpio way where I’m in the right.  I’d like to think I’ve mostly grown out of that. 


Here is the other realization.  I don’t need to own other people’s opinions.  If they’re abrasive I don’t have to take that personal.  If they don’t like how I am, I don’t need to own that either.  The only personal responsibility I need to take is maybe looking at whether what they’re saying rings true and needs to be changed.  I also need to give myself some credit for the fact that when I do receive criticism I actually care about people’s feelings and how my actions effect them. 


I also want to remind myself that I have value.  If someone is irritated with me, if I analyze it and am aware of it and it is not something I need to change, really, I need to be okay with their feelings.  I can’t own it.  I have value regardless of my bad habits (like being overemotional).  I need to learn to let it go.  Learn from it then let it go.


So, on a geek note.. I LOOOOVED the workshops. I wish I had participated more but A. I was bleeding like a stuck fish and had been for more than a week and B. I am admittedly very out of shape.  It was a bit of a hike from the tent, to the port-a-potties, to the booths, to each of the workshops.  What?  Need to grab something from the tent?  Yeah, hike back.  Between the walking and bleeding I felt pretty grumpy and tired.  I was not at my personal best.


So.. I have to talk about one of the workshops.. It was pretty stinking cool.  It was all about the energy of the plant as a medicine.  We all sat around and without knowing what each one was, we took a tincture and sat quietly.  The object was to sit with it and notice any feelings, both physical and emotional.  Any images seen, strange sensations, even just being observant of your thoughts.  It was amazing how so many of us were getting similar if not the same reactions.  Of course me, being very visual, I imagined some pretty wild things.  The coolest one was when I immediately visualized The Sound of Music going on in my head, specifically hearing the nuns singing the whole Maria song.  I wanted to sing with them!  The gentleman running the workshop said he saw lots of Tibetan monks chanting sort of in a song and how he really wanted to sing along.  We also both got that it stimulated both third eye and root chakra.  I thought that was weirdly amazingly wonderful ;)  By the way.. it was Holy Basil (Tulsi).  It was so affirming to feel things and then hear how the herbs effect the body and they matched up. So amazing.


I definitely want to go back <3

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