Saturday, August 27, 2011

Authentic self

I had quite a weekend last weekend.  I was able to go to 2011 Northwest Herbal Faire.  I totally got my herbal geek on.  I realized a few things about how I tend to go about things. When I had no plan I attended hardly any workshops.  When I planned for workshops the whole day I ended up making myself crazy.  If I’m able to attend next year I would definitely make a schedule but also reserve time for relaxing and absorbing information.


I also had some interpersonal realizations as well.  Some of these included some stuff I have yet to figure out how to handle.  First was when someone said, “You’re oversensitive.”  Of course my over emotional reaction really showed how right it was.  I AM oversensitive.  I explained right off the bat that I do tend to react badly and take everything personally initially when it comes to criticism, constructive or otherwise.  I often will shut down emotionally or cry.  But afterwards I’m able to reflect on what they were talking about and what I want to do about it, if anything, or just to let it go.  But what about just the fact I am overemotional?  How do you stop being overemotional.  Part of me wonders if I should?  Not that I think it’s great to overreact to criticisms or to things I’m not liking hearing.  But the part of me that is overemotional is the part of me that is also passionate and empathetic.  I think the actual initial reaction is something that may wane as I become comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve already done enough self work that after I react I can reflect.  When I was younger that was not the case.  I’d just blow up, act like a jackass  and pretend it never happened or spin it in my Scorpio way where I’m in the right.  I’d like to think I’ve mostly grown out of that. 


Here is the other realization.  I don’t need to own other people’s opinions.  If they’re abrasive I don’t have to take that personal.  If they don’t like how I am, I don’t need to own that either.  The only personal responsibility I need to take is maybe looking at whether what they’re saying rings true and needs to be changed.  I also need to give myself some credit for the fact that when I do receive criticism I actually care about people’s feelings and how my actions effect them. 


I also want to remind myself that I have value.  If someone is irritated with me, if I analyze it and am aware of it and it is not something I need to change, really, I need to be okay with their feelings.  I can’t own it.  I have value regardless of my bad habits (like being overemotional).  I need to learn to let it go.  Learn from it then let it go.


So, on a geek note.. I LOOOOVED the workshops. I wish I had participated more but A. I was bleeding like a stuck fish and had been for more than a week and B. I am admittedly very out of shape.  It was a bit of a hike from the tent, to the port-a-potties, to the booths, to each of the workshops.  What?  Need to grab something from the tent?  Yeah, hike back.  Between the walking and bleeding I felt pretty grumpy and tired.  I was not at my personal best.


So.. I have to talk about one of the workshops.. It was pretty stinking cool.  It was all about the energy of the plant as a medicine.  We all sat around and without knowing what each one was, we took a tincture and sat quietly.  The object was to sit with it and notice any feelings, both physical and emotional.  Any images seen, strange sensations, even just being observant of your thoughts.  It was amazing how so many of us were getting similar if not the same reactions.  Of course me, being very visual, I imagined some pretty wild things.  The coolest one was when I immediately visualized The Sound of Music going on in my head, specifically hearing the nuns singing the whole Maria song.  I wanted to sing with them!  The gentleman running the workshop said he saw lots of Tibetan monks chanting sort of in a song and how he really wanted to sing along.  We also both got that it stimulated both third eye and root chakra.  I thought that was weirdly amazingly wonderful ;)  By the way.. it was Holy Basil (Tulsi).  It was so affirming to feel things and then hear how the herbs effect the body and they matched up. So amazing.


I definitely want to go back <3

Friday, August 05, 2011

Funny on a dime

I wish I was one of those bloggers who could whip out wicked funny shit on a whim.  I can't say any of my blog entries are remarkably awesome.  Sometimes I luck out and I hear the whisperings of whatever muse seems to grace me with its presence...... again, sometimes.  I wish I had that incredible talent to tap into that insightful and funny part of me like some of the other blog writers do.  I'm not even entirely sure I *have* an audience.  It's okay though.  I decided not too long ago that I would just write what I want.  I will just write what I'd like to read.  If other people aren't interested they won't read.  It's not an entire waste.  I'm getting things out of my head and I'm typing.  I actually like typing... as long as I have an ergonomic keyboard.  I'm a keyboard wimp especially since my year and a half old biking injury (don't let me fool you, I was riding around on my child sized cruiser and I'm just so out of shape I pulled something and now it won't get better.  But hey, I totally made it sound like I'm some cycling diva, didn't I? Heh).

Today I was able to tap into that inner writer and used it at work.  I just started back with REI this week.  This is my fourth time as a seasonal employee.  I have tons of friends there.  This time I'm actually taking advantage of the medical on the offhand chance I get knocked up again.  Anyway.. So we had this assignment where we were supposed to send an email to one of the trainers explaining what 100% Satisfaction Guarantee means to us.  You see, REI has a customer service guarantee that is similar to Nordstrom (Google it, seriously).  Well, my literary muse (maybe I should come up with a name for him/her) bit me and and I rambled off some long explanation about how I wanted my chiropractor friend to stop talking about his Vibram shoes so I just bought them so I could have some silence during my adjustment...... For the record.  I lied.  I LOVE it when I get to chat with Paul.  He's totally the type of guy who would have been my geek BFF back in Jr. High/High School.  But I assume it's like when your husband bitches about the clothes you buy or the food you cook.  Secretly he loves it.... right?  Anyway.  I just had to come up with a segue for why I bought the shoes.  Because lord knows you have to make some shit up to why you were CHOOSING to put on shoes with individual toes.  Because, apparently it's not enough that I have weird little hobbit feet I have to put freakish looking shoes on them so EVERYONE looks at them. :|  But I digress... So, I fabricated the segue in order to tell this story about how I hate returning things but was thrilled that no one brow beat me for bringing back used five finger shoes because the rubber toe protector hurt my mutant elf toes (they seriously point upwards).  Anyhow.  I don't even remember all of what I wrote but I was feeling inspired.  After I hit send I didn't give it a second thought.  So class lets out.  I had to finish a quick story to a different trainer about the kick ass tattoo my cousin, Amanda has on her leg (at first glance they're classy koi.  second glance you'll notice that one is a zombie koi eating another koi. how awesome can you get?!).  The trainer had a printed copy of my email out and told me she laughed so hard she nearly cried.  Do you realize how that makes me feel?  Yeah, akward.  Oh, don't get me wrong. I was thankful and proud and extremely flattered.  I'm just not that good at being gracious and so I sounded like a fool at my attempts at saying "thank you."  

But I am grateful for those moments where I feel I can put words out there in such a way they bring joy to others.  It's a great feeling to laugh and if I can do that for someone once in a while I feel pretty damned content.  I work Sunday.  I'll try to email myself the letter and maybe I'll post it.  

So now that I have created this expectation of writing funny shit you'll have to watch.  I'll write some dumb ass thing about bunny murdering crows (it was a real monologue I came up with one day.  terrible and weird. Oddly amusing).