Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The days after

I'm queen of self imposed guilt trips.  Mourning brings out some pretty ridiculous ones in me.  I feel guilty that I didn't talk to Tony more.  I feel guilty for being sad because there are many people who have "more of a right" to mourn.  I feel guilty for going about my regular routine because my daily life hasn't changed since Tony died but some of my loved ones' lives will never be the same.  I feel guilty for voicing my feelings of feeling guilty.  Don't worry.  They're not running my life and I don't indulge these thoughts incessantly.  I'm sure they are all thoughts somehow programmed in me by some sort of life experience from my formative years.  When I quiet my mind it all falls away.  My higher self lets me know that any and all of my feelings are ok.  That I have done nothing wrong.  That my guilt is part of my process.  It is a part of my mourning.  It is downright silly, but it is ok.  Personally, I think Tony would be amused that I'm analyzing my feelings surrounding his death.  He'd have done the same.

I want to write about my experience at the services, but now is not the time.  I feel they're worth mentioning.  But that will come another day.  I have to get ready to go help a friend today with her raised beds.  I have a feeling it will take a while to write it all down.  So 'til next time.

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