Monday, January 10, 2011

Baby Steps

I've started a list. Those of you who know me well know I have a weird fear of lists. It's a long story. Well, instead of a list of stuff "to do" I've started a list of what I've accomplished. Anything from big chores to simply getting out of bed before noon. I have long term goals that include exercise every day (bike ride, maybe?), getting up at 8am and of silly enough, getting dressed every day.

I've really tried to distract myself today by getting stuff done but wasn't nearly as productive today as I was yesterday. Tomorrow, I want to get out of bed before 11 (don't laugh, I often don't want to get out of bed at all during the day) and get dressed. I want to clean the pantry and the kitchen. If I don't do any of them, I will forgive myself. But I want to get them done. I sincerely do.

I don't know why I decided suddenly to blog. I think it has more to do with the fact I have a whole lot of dark emotions going on in me right now. I need to get it out. I type MUCH faster than I write. I don't want to direct people here but it is out there in the ether. I'm not looking for sympathy. Just an outlet. A way of sharing but not seeking attention.

Anyway. Another day gone by. Tomorrow is yet another day. Time to keep on keepin' on. For the record..... I'm still in my jammies ;)

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Can I say it's Postpartum Depression?

I mean, my pregnancy is over. I'm depressed. My hormones are wacky and I feel thoroughly nuts. I cry a lot. I'm trying to function and sometimes I'm successful, other times I just sit around the house and sob. I can't trust my feelings anymore. I'm paranoid about my relationships in general. You know, depressed = self loathing = "They can't like me. I'm not likable." I know I can't trust those thoughts. But it's hard to redirect them constantly throughout the day. I don't want to bug my friends/family with it because I know really, it's time that will fix it. And again, I feel like I'm horrible so why would I want to bother anyone else with my drama?

Time goes on, I'm trying to function as best as possible. It's hit or miss. For today I'm trying to get some housework done instead of going back to bed, crying and falling asleep. I have goals, dammit.

For the record I had the most awful dream about the miscarriage last night/this morning. Really, it was horrible.

Friday, January 07, 2011


Another one bites the dust. The pregnancy is over. At 5 weeks, 2 days I started bleeding. By the time I went to sleep I was in a lot of pain and gushing.

OK. So I seem to be doing good with the whole *getting* pregnant thing.... Now just to stay that way.. Right?

I think I'm bouncing back faster than the August miscarriage. Which sounds so weird to say, but I spent a week in a half not being able to get out of bed whereas this time I'm feeling more functional and I'm only like a week and a half out. I don't know what that means but I'm not going to lick a gift whore look a gift horse in the mouth. Whatever. It's better than debilitating depression.

Seeing another acupuncturist, one who specializes in fertility and herbs. I'm hoping to see some good results from it. *fingers crossed*